The Answer to This Heat? Jello in your Pants!

I actually prefer this refreshing jello pool of spiffy rainbow-ness.

However, one man who called into a local radio show today shared with me (and everyone else listening to callers sharing stay cool tips on the rock station) that taping the bottoms of your overalls to your ankles and dumping jello down your pants was the best way to stay cool. And apparently it is also fun to revel in all the squishy goodness because it just feels like "the best thing in the world!" The sad part is that it didn't sound like a joker. The man sounded very serious. Too bad I don't have any overalls to test out his jello heaven.

In un-related news, my fiance and I decided that whenever some ridiculously stupid human pisses us off we are to scream "TURN SIGNAL!" at them at the top of our lungs. We are easily pissed off by the stupidity of others, even when it is not directly affecting us (although it does about 99% of the time). We are most likely very guilty of several stupid things, but at least we don't force people to look at our stupidity or shove our lack of brains in their face and make them deal with it. We mostly get angry while driving. Our biggest pet peeve is a lack of TURN SIGNALS! I don't care if there is no one around for miles, you use your signal when you are changing lanes. You use your signal when you are turning at an intersection EVEN if you are in the turn lane! Yes, you are sitting in a lane with a big arrow painted on it. But it is still the law, and I've noticed that people who skip the signal at such intersections get into the habit of forgetting signals when they truly ARE needed. It is the only way we can communicate on the road to let other drivers know what we are going to do. Brake lights and turn signals. Honking your horn at me when you cut across in front of me and I almost slam into your passenger door does not help. Not only that, but people honk their horns for millions of reasons, sometimes completely unknown. So use your freaking signals!!! PLEASE! We decided that if we yelled TURN SIGNAL at people when they did something that pissed us off (aside from actually not using their signals), they would just look at us with a bewildered look instead of getting angry and attempting to smash our face in with a lead pipe. And we'd still feel good for yelling at the morons. By the time they will be able to consider getting angry at us for yelling something so completely confusing, we will be long gone and they will have mixed emotions, and the thought of their helpless mental constipation will make my fiance and I all warm and fuzzy inside.

Here is a short list of other things that irritate the hell out of us:

* Old people in cars. Period. Whether you are driving 15 miles under the speed limit or driving with tires on each side of the center line, you are a danger to society. I know you don't want to feel old. I know you want to stay independant. But when your reflexes are so slow you accidentally rear end a mail truck, you need to get off of the road.

* People who walk really slowly across crosswalks. So you have the right of way. Don't feel all high and mighty about it. This might be the day I decide a hit and run is worth it. You weight a few hundred pounds max. My truck weighs several thousand. It will dominate your sorry ass. If I am turning left and waiting for your dumb ass to do it, and I sit through an entire green light and never get to go because you strolled so leisurely from one side to the other, I might just go to prison to satisfy my blood lust by making sure at least part of you never leaves that crosswalk. (Preferably gooey bits of your brain matter.)

* People who tail gate you even when you are going 15 miles over the speed limit. Are you really in that big of a hurry? Believe it or not, the road is not your personal playground.

* The fact that these ass wipes never get pulled over for tailgating you like a madman and then passing you doing 95 in a 45.

*Fat people in spandex or any other tight clothing that gives you a camel toe, or shows off the stack of tires hanging out your front end. Gross. Wear a tent if you have to and quit making piss poor excuses to why you are fat. Its your fault. Period. I don't care if your daddy called you names when you were little and now you have an eating disorder. He didn't sit on you and force feed you lard. If you want to be fat and die at 45 of heart failure, fine, but don't expose people to camel toe. I am 40 pounds overweight. I wear loose clothes. I don't want people to puke when they see my stomach rolls and neither should you.

* People who can't mind their own business about your house/animals/property, etc. when it is not affecting them or hurting anyone/anything. People who want you to switch out your barbed wire/electric fencing combo for vinyl because it looks tacky and they live next door. So? Its my place. Its functional and safe for my animals (with the electric keeping them off the barbed wire). Its not trashy, its just not fancy. Quit bugging me. Or people who scream at you for leaving your dog in the car in 55 degree weather. The windows are cracked and I'm parked in the shade. Its 55 not 90. Go bite yourself.

* Hypocritical radical environmentalists. People who scream "GO GREEN, save our resources, save our earth!" and drive a gas guzzling hummer and wipe their pansy asses with triple ply toilet paper.

* Hypocritical radical animal "rescuers". People who say, "Save the dogs! Quit breeding mutts you backyard breeders! You are filling our animal shelters with poor, homeless dogs who will go to their deaths!". You'll sit there and say Australian Shepherd/Blue Heeler crosses are evil to breed (because they aren't papered). It doesn't matter that both are similar breeds of a similar size, bred to do the same damn thing. They are compatible to be crossing. If you breed those dogs, you'll burn in hell for your evil ways. Because everyone knows that reputable, responible breeders only breed purebreds. However, when these same people go out and breed Puggles, its perfectly acceptable becuase it IS a breed (or so they claim, even though its a mix of a PUG and BEAGLE! Two completley incompatible, unsimilar dogs that make a weird little fugly MUTT of an animal.) They don't have papers either you morons, and the cross makes ZERO sense. I don't care if you think its some fancy desinger breed. Its a fugly mutt. Quit bitching at other people when you are being worse than the people whose sensible crosses are actually useful.

* People who pick their teeth with their tongue while they are sitting next to you in the waiting room at the doctor's office. It is nasty. Go somewhere else to do it where no one has to hear you. Same goes for public nose pickers, junk scratchers and ass diggers.

....I'm sure I'll think of more. I know I'm probably a hypocrite when it comes to some things. Everyone is a hypocrite at least some of the time, but I do not do any of these, or am not aware of doing them. You can call me negative, judgmental, etc. I don't really care. Its just a rant list. Take it or leave it. And here is one more to top it off:

* People who think they need to email you to bitch about how crappy/stupid/irritating/enraging your blog/forum post is. Its called free speech. If you don't like it, why don't you use your little finger to click your little mouse away from the blog. That is so simple its not even funny. I could understand your bitching if you hated it and someone duct taped you to a ceiling fan and forced you to read it. But I'm relatively possitive someone has not, so waste your time doing something else. In the event someone HAS duct taped you to a ceiling fan in the past, I reccomend contacting the proper authorities to file a POLICE REPORT rather than sending that person a bitchy email. It'll probably feel better to see them arrested for abusing you. You know, just in case its even possible to duct tape someone to a ceiling fan without said ceiling fan falling out of the ceiling.



Although its more likely that the maximum weight a ceiling fan can handle is a cat. I don't reccomend trying this on your cat. He will no longer want to be your friend, in the same way that cats no longer tend to be your friends after attempting to bathe them in the toilet. Those nights of using him as a fuzzy pillow will be over. I also don't recommend trying a very fat cat.


WHAT WE DID LAST NIGHT! (As if you care...)
Our roomated DID try and molest a deer, however.


Because apparently, if you are riding as fast as you can on a Honda EX400 (a quad for those of you who are scratching your empty heads) you can grab a deer's tail. This is, of course, in the event that it is a "special" deer who runs straight down the road rather then leaping off to the side. If this happens, you can grab his cute little fluffy tail! After you've done that, you can come flying back to your buddies to excitedly babble and scream about it.....An example of how my room-mate exaggerates, and how he has secrets porn fantasies that involve woodland creatures. It would probably be like Snow White, except he wouldn't just pet the animals and get them to clean his cottage. *shudders*.

We also took them (Larry and his gf) out to "the rock", where we proceeded to debate whether someone would survive the fall if pushed by one of their room-mates. At least Larry agreed that if he should *cough* "fall", we should do the right thing and push a boulder after him. You know, so it crushes him and puts him out of his misery should he be laying at the bottom with his spleen next to his head, completely lacking any limbs. He just wouldn't want to go on like that. We did manage to win the "count the shooting stars" contest and managed to see 14. They only saw 2. Such rookies. If you make the same wish on 14 stars, will that increase your odds of getting it to come true?

My fiance is having a mental affair with 4-wheelers. *sigh* We are quad-shopping for him, but just haven't found the right fit.


My sexy cowboy.

I don't even have a Larry's Bitch of the day as he has directed all his recent bitching at his city chick of a girlfriend recently. Not that he is much of a country person anyways. He just likes to believe he truly is.

ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF WHY WOMEN DON'T LOVE YOU:

And I'll leave you with another wonderful specimen of big-headed loser. This happens to be a legitimate phone call left by some ass-wipe for some apparently beautiful woman who was stupid enough to give the weirdo who walked up to her on the street corner her actual phone number. Apparently you are missing out on the best sex in the world Olga. Tsk tsk....This man is "very particular", you should feel so special to be chosen as his next stalking victim!



(This tape has been around for awhile. The people in the photos are not Dimitri. They are just background for the soundtrack inserted by the person who posted the video.)

Why Women Don't Love You

Mwahahaha! Fly my pretties, fly!



I just thought I'd ad a photo of what a true flying monkey is! Damn chimp stole Toto... thats just not cool...stealing someone's dog... *mutters under breath* Eh? Anyways... I thought that while I'm waiting for some potential buyers to come look at my old mare, I'd post a blog.

PSYCHOTIC MEN CAUGHT ON TAPE!:

Well, they actually made their own tapes and posted them for all of the world to see.... Isn't self-humiliation wonderful? Both of these men need to be duct taped to a ceiling fan with their eyes safety pinned open and forced to watch themselves over and over while someone chants, "And this is why women don't love you!"

RICKY:

My first thought was psychotic white trash serial rapist/murderer. He is probably one of those people who kills cats and squirrels and then uses his mastery of taxidermy to pose them like ninjas and talks to them at night.



Secondly, we have...uh... some beefcake with no brains and zero common sense who obviously thinks he is Captain America. This video is LONG, but its hilarious as he obviously thinks he is God's gift to the WORLD. Not just women, not just this girl he is desperately trying to get back with this video, but the whole f'ing planet. Apparently he has mad quad/truck skills and can lift hay bales and roll giant tires. He can drive a tractor too!!!! Why the hell did you leave him?! Oh my god, he even kept going when he got tired and dropped some of that heavy shit! Oh my god he never gives up! Oh come running back to him! Holy Shit, he made you a tribute out of hay bales and tires and rocks! *GASP, SWOON, THUMP*......Lame guy, super lame.





Larry's Daily Bitch:

I was out today trying for the fiftieth time to get the three strand electric fence I had spent several days installing to actually freaking SHOCK something when Larry trudged out of the house in an obviously bad mood. By now, I myself was no rosy bowl of sunshine as I stared at the dusty old electric box that was merrily clicking away yet refusing to put out any voltage. He proceeded to tell me that I owed him a new Swiffer mop because the trigger that made the soap come out was no longer functioning. He was on a trip for a few months and swore up and down that the mop worked before he left. He, of course, had deduced that it must have been myself or my fiance who had "destroyed" the mop. I calmy explained that the mop had never worked right, and I had to bend down and push on the tubing to get it to squirt out some soap, which I then mopped with for a good several minutes before needing another squirt. Apparently that was too much for him, as he had thrown a fit and snapped the mop in two and thrown it in the burn barrel by this point. *sigh*. I do intend to buy another mop, because we needed one anyways, but come on!

I was furious this morning, as my fiance woke up several times last night to the smell of weed being smoked in our house. Larry's girlfriend flew up for a week long visit, and apparently smokes pot. I left a note pointedly letting Larry know that if I ever happened upon or smelled weed in this house again, he had the rest of his paid month to vacate. He then called and left a depressing sounding message claiming that he didn't know she had smoked it in until that morning when he saw the note. He had confronted her and she admitted it. I know he is lying... Adam could hear them laughing when he went into the living room, all the while smelling pot. "I never do pot!" he swears. I really don't care if he does, as long as he stays far away from here while doing it. Not to mention that when Adam got up later, they were screaming at each other and his girlfriend was bawling. I don't need drama! Gah! She is only here for a week though, so I'll just put up with it for now.

Diet Pepsi Is My Crack

.......And its ok, because they have a truck like this, and it totally justifies my serious addiction problem:

I probably go through 6 cans a day. I need therapy..... Gawd this layout is so...so... PINK. Eh, it works. This is where I'm supposed to tell you a little about myself and why I am starting a blog. I simply like to type. Its not singularly about my personal life, or the latest entertainment news, or funny videos, or weird stories... its just whatever ends up here. Period. And remember that the address is Flyin Monkey of Doom. You know the word "Flying"? Now take the 'g' off the end, because I'm apparently not the only person who loves to use this phrase. To whomever has Flying Monkeys of Doom at Blogspot, I have been using it since my first year Spanish class in my Sophomore year of high school when our teacher told us to create a restaurant with a fake menu. My menu included barbequed dog brains and fried donkey ears. The thing is I'm almost positive both of those dishes are prepared and eaten regularly somewhere on this planet. Whats YOUR claim to the phrase? After I'm done with this entry I intend to check it out, and then we shall battle to the death over whom is the rightful master of the "Monos de Vuelo del Infierno", or the name of my restaurant in Spanish class. (Yes it says flying monkeys of doom, for those of you who never learned to play connect the dots as preschoolers. My teacher swore up and down the closest word for doom in Spanish is hell...its debatable..)

In any case, for the first order of the day, I introduce you to Larry's Daily Bitch. It will be an every day segment unless Larry finally decides to depart from my life. I guaruntee you he will have at least one bitch a day. Usually his minimum is 5, unless he is very hung over, in which case he may not emerge from his cave for an entire day. When he does he asks the same question ten times and seems to be unable to understand the English language when I reply. Eventually he manages to get in one meager bitch before retreating to his lair.

Larry is my roomate. My fiance and I leased a house in the countryside on five acres. It has three bedrooms, two of which we never used. The rent is awfully high, and we like to be able to have a little leeway so that my easily stressed brain doesn't explode all over the carpet (because then we'll never get the deposit back when we move out!) AND, we can afford to actually...you know... do stuff. Otherwise we'd basically be on house arrest. In ANY case, we rented out the two rooms and the extra bathroom to him for about 1/3 of our rent...meaning we are still shelling out twice as much as he is. Meaning we have the majority. Don't forget the fact that WE are on the lease and the whiny bitch is not. I remember distinctly telling him in no unclear terms that those rooms were like his little apartment, and that he got to USE the kitchen to cook, clean dishes, and store his food. I didn't tell him he got some magical "equal say" about how the kitchen works...which for hims turns out to be "I get all the freaking cupboard space...oh, did I mention you only get 2 square inches of refigerator space and the freezer is all mine? And by the way, if you don't do your dishes immediately or forget to wipe the counters I get to become hysterical, but I never have to do either."

He gets absolutely no say on the outside of the house, though he magically believes he does. Basically, we meant to rent him out a little "apartment", not the entire property. From us. He knows we are on a lease, so his mind set is "Well, we all rent from someone else, so we are all equal housemates here and we all get an equal say in everything that happens around here.".....Negative. Unless you want to pay half of the entire rent Larry? I didn't think so. In any case, I'll be posting a daily whine from him here...so as not to give in to my urge to slit his throat with whatever happens to be handy at the time. Oooh, maybe this rusty nail will do....

Larry's Daily Bitch: You always are leaving the porch lights on! I literally have to turn them off every day!

Well Larry, you insisted we put in those crappy energy saving ones that barely give off any light. I can't see three feet in front of my face, let alone see the stairs at the end of the porch. They are just sooo helpful. But hey, they save $2 a month in electricity bills. Apparently it doesn't matter to you if you fall down the stairs in the dark and gouge your eye out on a rock. I admit we forget to turn them off quite allot. Mostly because we get up to let the dogs out at 4 A.M., half zombified, and barely remember how to put one foot in front of the other, much less remember to switch off the freaking light. Guess what? Our electricity here is really cheap, even when we forget to turn the freaking weak ass energy saving porch light off..He happens to be out tonight. Odds are he won't come home until its already light, but in the event he comes home half drunk and attempts to stumble into the house, I think I'll do him the favor of switching all the porch lights OFF (which we like to leave ON for him when he is out at night...you know, courtesy and all that jazz). So good luck to him making it up those stairs in the dark, the semi-alcoholic gripe machine. It is worth saving an extra dollar this month. :)

In the interest of having something somewhat interesting for anyone who actually stops by here to see, take a gander at some of this.

Earlier tonight I took a bath and was watching some TV. Yeah, I watch TV in the bath. Our bath connects to our bedroom, so I just open our big folding doors and tilt the TV from the bedroom towards the tub. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it too... I'm not sure if that saying applies here. I'm not sure that saying should apply anywhere actually. Of course you are going to eat the cake you have. Why not? Why act like its such a wonderful, delightful, and lucky situation that you get to have your cake AND eat it! What were you going to do? Stare at it and then sadly bury it in the back yard?

In any case, I was watching a show called Medical Marvels...or Medical Mysteries...Something like that. Don't pressure me so much! In any case, there was a girl who couldn't sweat. Unfortunately she was an active girl, unlike so many teenagers today who do just what I am doing and spend tons of time on the internet. Apparently, if she over exerts herself and doesn't spray herself with a spray bottle constantly she will fry like an egg. Its apparently called anhydrosis and some people report having it happen to them suddenly in life. In other words, it may happen to you at any minute, and then your insides will dematerialize or something and you'll pour out on the floor. Now I'm hyper paranoid...

There was also a family that had a genetic defect called lobster claw syndrome. Its usually a deformity of the hands but also can deform the feet, legs, etc. They each have a 50/50 chance of passing this on to their children. One woman had two children who both had the problem and both died as infants from complications from the defect. She then tried a THIRD time for a child who ended up having it so badly she can't walk, only drag herself, and her hands are also severly deformed. WHY would you keep trying so desperately to have a child that might die painfully because of your selfishness! Or who might live a painful, difficult life! You could simply adopt a freaking child or *gasp* not have one. People disgust me when they are this selfish. When you do this sort of thing, it isn't about the child, its about what YOU want. You jerks.

[Lobster Claw Video]

There was also a case where a woman took an antibiotic for a simple sinus infection and had a severe allergic reaction. Her skin literally started falling off. Soon, she had NONE. The linings of her internal organs started to weaken and try to fall off. They put plastic caps over her eyes to protect her melting eyeballs, and stapled plastic over her entire body to keep the fluids in. She had a 10% chance for survival, and this was optimistic. Eventually her skin grew back, and she looks completely normal. In fact, her skin is like babies skin, very soft and fresh. She will be 90 and have the skin of a 40 year old! I guess the secret to young skin is to rip it all off so it will grow back new. Don't everyone go rushing off to try this all at once! Geez you crazy fad people...