How to Massage Your Kitty

In a flawless transition from my last blog, we shall continue the study of the mysterious and often-times entirely snobbish species, the cat.

~This cat is absolutely stunned by my decision.~

As we learned in our last journey into the land of cats, they have the ability to learn certain skills...such as "playing" the piano or developing hip-hop persona's complete with an entire line of clothing items. Some have even mastered the art of speech, although this cat seems to be hallucinating that he is a dastardly pirate...or that he wants to find Long John Silver??

~"Oh Long Johnson...." I remember seeing this video on AFV as a kid.~

Personally, I'm more impressed with the feline with exceptional ninja skills. Although I do have to note that this "lowdope" character has an unhealthy obsession with taking videos of their cat.

~You can't SEE ME~

Of course, owning cats is a great responsibility. Particularly if you have a large number of talented, piano playing, rapping, talking, ninja-stalking cats. These unique animals require a special set of skills...

~Make sure to be alert to stampedes.~

And finally, your insanely talented cats will need to know that their mad skills are greatly appreciated. You owe it to them to go one step beyond your basic petting. The common petting of a cat is far beneath these amazing individuals. Therefore, you should ensure that you take some lessons in the art of "cat massage." You will thank me later.

~ Fluffy: "Petting is SO 'passe.' Remember, there is a whisker watch alert in effect."~

I guess that explains why my stupid cat drools on me when I pet him. Apparently I am queen of cat massage. Oh wait, I forgot to sing to him. I don't think my cat has ever given me a "mega meow" when I've been petting him. I honestly thought this was a joke, but this woman is dead serious....

~ You are such a GOOD BOY DAVEY!!!!!~

Just wow.... And lady, that is why MEN don't love YOU. You are five kinds of crazy. I think "crazy cat lady" is on every man's top ten fears list.

The Many Ways to Play Piano

I was perusing my Youtube favorites, and realized that I spent a great deal of time browsing videos of people playing pianos. I love piano music. Nothing is more hauntingly beautiful than a well played piece on a quality piano. I thought I would share some of the more amazing pieces of my collection, and then delve into some of the interesting and humorous ways people have gone about using the piano.

First off, I want to start with actual pianos. I will then graduate to some of the more ingenious things people have managed to do with them.______________________________________
Tocatta N Fugue in D Minor

If you can successfully play this, you are my hero for life. Period. In it's proper composition, this is one of the most wickedly difficult pieces to play. Originally designed for the pipe organ, it is even more impressive when performed on the correct instrument. It is rather ominous and drags my brain directly to the Disney short from Fantasia called "Night on Bald Mountain", even though this music has nothing to do with the cartoon.
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Blindfold Pianist

The Blindfolded Pianist is also known as the Video Game Pianist, and is actually a guy named Martin Leung. He graduated from the Yale University of Music and has toured the world playing classical music...and video game pieces. He became famous due to this video of him playing songs from a ton of different Mario Games, blind folded. It first appeared on Ebaum's World in 2004 when he was 17. What is sad is that although this is cool, it is such a novelty compared to the amazing beauty with which he plays classical pieces. You can get sheet music for all of the pieces in this video [Here]______________________________________
Nothing Else Matters - Metallica

For those of you who think that classical music is boring, and that being able to play video game themes on the piano is just a cry for serious professional help, there are many popular and current songs that have well made sheet music for the piano. This one happens to be "Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica. I have an arrangement of this music, though not as challenging as the man here is playing (Scott D. Davis) I always thought that many of the intros and ballad type songs Metallica used to turn out were beautiful. They are even more so when tweaked with and played on a piano. Metallica also has a knack for making classical music "rock", such as their version of the Carol of the Bells done with the Trans Syberian Orchestra._________________________________________
"Ball" Piano

This guy plays the piano with his "balls." Don't worry, these aren't the anatomical type. These are big, pink and bouncy. Something he probably doesn't want his own to be. His last song is the most impressive, as he increases his speed quite significantly. __________________________________
Um....

Speaking of anatomical features with which you can play the piano.... I am positive this is a comedy skit, particularly considering the "host" is the gay cop from Reno 911. Honestly, how much trauma would banging on the keys with that particular piece of your body cause? And how much ED medication would you need to be on to achieve the ability to go out in front of an audience and do this? Probably enough that would put you straight into a hospital for an erection lasting more than four hours.__________________________________
FAO Schwarz Floor Piano

This giant piano was made famous by the Tom Hanks movie "Big", filmed in 1988, in which he and Robert Loggia danced "Chopsticks" and "Heart and Soul" on it. The company, FAO Schwarz, was bought out by Toys R Us. But, because of the fame of this New York location, they kept the original name. Trained employees perform shows on the giant piano. This is one of the best performances I have found, with the fewest obvious mistakes. Again, I really love this song. ________________________________________
Piano Stairs

And to prove that there is more than one way to play the piano with your feet, and that you can trick people into exercising like large, hairless hamsters I present to you the stair piano. Not that you can make very good music with this without busting your head trying to make flying leaps. Couple that with the fact that there are generally at least a few other people using the stairs with you, and you are more likely to receive an earful of offensive noise. But the concept is neat anyways, and people just can't resist playing with the giant keys like the annoying children in the toy aisle at Wal-mart who set off all the talking/noise making toys at once. Oh wait, I still do that._________________________________________
Nora The Piano Playing Cat

Lastly, the piano playing cats. What maestros! Although I'm not sure this constitutes playing so much as randomly banging the keys. I seriously believe this cat has an OCD issue. Either that, or someone put cat nip on the keys. ___________________________________________
Keyboard Cat

At least Nora is a true artist, who makes an honest effort at music. Nothing like this poser, the infamous "Keyboard Kitty." Too bad this little guy was just used by his manager to market "hip" merchandise. Another performer used and abused for his image.
~Found on a T-Shirt. Fatso later turned to crack cocaine and popped a cap in some dude. He is serving life without parole.~

FANGS! ... on Vaginas?

You heard right boys, time to start shaking in your boots. Or for your mini-me to retreat into the comforting safety of your pants.

-Poisonous jellyfish? Nope. This is much more perilous to your Johnson.-

This deep sea-looking object is called a Rape-aXe, a female condom ribbed with TEETH. Yes, freaking teeth. Dr. Sonnet Elhers has been sitting on this torture dev.....anti-rape idea for fourty years. Perhaps she was worried about how men around the planet would respond to her invention, and this caused hesitation. Perhaps she is now at a point in her life where the potential necessity of going into hiding would not be a huge inconvenience. Helping women to avoid rape is certainly a worthy cause, but the opportunity for misuse is blatantly obvious. Imagine the trauma to a man should he be tricked into inserting his "eel" into a vengeful woman's "cave." Sometimes, men simply listen with their tiny brains. They may ignore the wary comments made by their real brain, which becomes dangerously deprived of blood flow as it is diverted to other regions, and get wild and crazy with their previously spiteful ex. No matter that the crazy bitch left ten threatening phone calls last week, she is as sweet as pie today, and he hasn't had any for two months. Unfortunately, if Sheila has her "fangs" in, the resulting dry spell may last much longer (and be much more painful.)

The device is inserted into a woman's vagina, and an attacker receives an immediate and presumably nasty bite as soon as he achieves intro-mission. At which point we assume he falls to the ground, screaming. The contraption can not be removed without the help of a medical team. The theory is that the man will be arrested when he shows up at the hospital with a tiny, viscous monster clamped onto his member, because he has obviously been attempting to rape someone. Let us return to the "evil ex-girlfriend" scenario. Not only has the poor buffoon made the mistake of entering a dangerous cave full of peril, and suffered the painful consequences...but he now must endure the humiliation of the entire hospital staff (because we all KNOW the doctors are not keeping the hilarity of it all to themselves.) To further drag him into the pits of hell, he will now have the police called on him, who will arrest him and question him under the suspicion of rape. He may or may not spend the night in a jail cell, and his battered penis will be exposed to the shame and ridicule of the police department and any cell mates who wonder why he is huddling painfully in a corner, clutching his crotch.

I should mention that this product was released in Africa, where rape is apparently a huge issue. As far as I know, you can not get any in America. However, the product DOES exists, and there will eventually be an opportunity for someone to get their hands on it who may have serious ideas about its misuse.

{Rape Axe Website}

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Speaking of gross misuse in an effort to halt sexual assualt and disease....

Seriously, we do not want to see a woman being raped by Hitler. Is that a look of enjoyment on her face? I don't know what this achieves beyond absolute disgust, and perhaps therapy for the next few months.

Um.... *crickets*....... This an anti-pedophile campaign. Apparently, we need to be more aware of the dangers of pedophiles. Of course, when invisible pedophiles enter my home and convince my toddler to give them a blow job while playing with his toy train, I might have crossed into the Twilight Zone. The very sick, very twisted Twilight Zone. Although protecting children from sick freaks is important, can't we get the message through a bit more tastefully? If the only thing you can rely on in an ad to get your message heard is shock value, you are not a talented advertiser.

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WHY WOMEN DON'T LOVE YOU

Because you honestly could use some new dance moves. This doesn't get particularly interesting until about 1:30. He apparently doesn't think much of "struttin' that ass." I believe he is referring to people who think too highly of themselves. He refers to Clinton at one point, but I honestly can't imagine him strutting his ass (unless he is talking about Hilary, and I honestly don't want to imagine that from HER either.) What is frightening to me, is that this guy is the spitting image of one of my uncles. Who, as it were, happens to be a complete crack-head who is doing his millionth stint in prison at the time.

Because you tried to ninja kick David Letterman...or is that a good thing? This is courtesy of 1987, so it isn't new. But I couldn't help but sharing this gem. First, your wig. Second, your shoes. Third, your clothing in general. And of course the obvious use of some sort of hallucinogenic. Acid trip anyone? What the hell is in that case? Your belt buckle collection? Because that is surely going to convince people you are less weird. If the point is to defend yourself against tabloid accusations of being WEIRD, you might not want to take drugs before you come out on stage that make you a paranoid basket case.

Ye Olde..Video Games?

Old and video games don't mesh well in the minds of most human beings. At least those humans thirty years or beyond. To be honest, old and video game are still two things that don't sit well in a sentence with me, because I realize how far away from childhood I've gotten. I'm certainly not claiming I am old, should some truly elderly geezer start shaking his or her fist at their computer screen and shrieking about how they wish they could rewind the clock to where I am at now.

However, it occurs to me that my first days of playing Duck Hunt and the original Mario Bros. have receded nearly two decades into the past. I was about 5 when my dad bought a Nintendo and started to teach me the hidden areas in the home land of Mario and Luigi. By then, it was 1992 and the game had been out for near ten years (released in 1983.) But it was the most amazing thing in the world to me. It was new to me, and wasn't considered old by people of that time. I'm sure Mario Bros. seems like an archaic piece of cave art to kids in their pre-teens. In todays blog, I am going to go through some of the games I obsessed over while growing u

p. I spent my entire childhood vidding, with what was then "cutting edge" technology. This list may bore you to death, but you also may decide to try out my aged list of suggestions. You can easily download emulators for NES, SNES and Gameboys and then download the games (called ROMS), to play on them.

Nintendo

These were the four games that I played obsessively on our Nintendo console. Scarily enough, I still have the console and the games, and they all still work. Sometimes the screen will blink between orange and black, and I'll have to blow the dust out of the cartridges and restart five times, but it still functions well. Maybe, one day, it will be a priceless antique and I can become wealthy in my old age and buy an entire set of golden dentures.

-MARIO BROS.-

The worst thing in Mario Bros., for me, were the hatchet throwing turtles. I hated those guys. Facing all the castles sucked too, when all of them contained mushrooms instead of the Princess. So much deceit! So many lies! Why is the world inhabited by killers turtles! Why must a humble plumber rise to save the day, and why can he shoot fireballs out of his ass when he picks psychedelic flowers?! This entire game was probably based on the visions some substance abuser saw in acid trips. I mean, think about the structure. I always skipped ahead several worlds at a time, because I knew the secret passages to get to the world portals. I never actually beat the game. Mostly because you only had so many lives and no save option. When you died, you had to start all over. The suck.

-DUCK HUNT-

I so cheated at Duck Hunt. Forgive me, but I was a little kid. I would often get frustrated and put the little orange laser gun directly on the screen. I can still hear the little sound effects from this game in my head. I had the Mario Bros. game cassette that came with Duck Hunt. Mindless fun. I did hate the clay shooting part. That was rather boring. And when you missed, that damn dog always laughed at you. What a poor self esteem builder for small children. Some of them probably developed a fear of their real dogs. They probably lied in bed at night and looked at Fido as he panted and stared innocently up at them before screaming, "Quit judging me!"

~Bastard....~

-ICE CLIMBERS-

I don't know how many people even know this game exists... You played as a little Eskimo, and had to ascend to the top of the ...whatever you are in. A cave? You jumped up and bashed the blocks above your head and then jumped through the opening. You had to avoid furry little yetis, pterodactyls, falling icicles and the occasional polar bear with sunglasses. He was also wearing tropical print swim trunks. He was apparently a polar bear with "Who am I?" issues, who dreamed of chillin' in the tropics. You could bash all of these various baddies with your hammer. The yetis would keep trying to fill your holes so you couldn't jump up, and you sometimes had to deal with pieces that would shoot you forward if you stepped on them (usually straight into enemies), or have to try and jump on moving platforms. When you got to the top, you entered a bonus round where you had to jump on slippery platforms and collect fruits and veggies. At the very top, there was a giant pterodactyl that you were supposed to try and jump to. If you succeeded, he carried you away and you got mucho points. I hardly every succeeded during the bonus round. I usually never made it to the bird, and if I did I ran out of time or jumped off the edge. Even if you successfully cleared the entire level, but fudged up the bonus round, your little character would weep uncontrollably during the points tally. I guess it was a game about prehistoric, emo Eskimos fighting their way up an icy mountain for no particular reason. Apparently their entire food supply grew at the top of the mountain. I guess if I had to scale enormous snow covered summits every day just to eat a nasty egg plant, I would be depressed as well.

-ADVENTURE ISLAND II-

Another game that was extremely frustrating because of the lack of a save capability. Luckily, there were cheats codes that would allow you to go back to the island you were working on when you died, rather than having to start all the way from the beginning. The under water levels were awful, but then under water levels are horrid on pretty much any game. Your main weapon was a hatchet you could throw at people, but you were able to break open eggs and ride fire breathing dinosaurs, flying dinosaurs, etc. A really fun game. Don't ever get the damn skateboard. It will cause you to die. And the red dinosaur can jump in the lava. This a game that should be played on an emulator because of the ability to save states. By the way, the cheat code is Left, Right, Left, Right, A, B, A, B. You have to do it as fast as you can at the start screen before the little guy gets whacked in the head with the coconut. If you fail, just restart and try again and again. Its sad that I remember that code from when I was probably 8-10 years old. I think its interesting that the main character wears a tiny skirt made of leaves as his main article of clothing, but can pull off the creation of a baseball cap. Priorities?

Super Nintendo

I know I played more games than this on the good old SNES, but these are the ones I played the most. I beat Lion King a zillion times, and it is still one of my favorite SNES games.

-SUPER MARIO WORLD-

This game is still fun to play. Most Mario games are a pretty good choice. My baby sitter taught me most of the secrets in this game. She showed us how to get to the "star world", where you could get special Yoshis that were different colors and could do things like fly. I beat this game several times. Usually I used secret short cuts to get to the final boss, however. I hated the under water levels, but doesn't every one? The cave ones weren't very easy either. And what the heck was with all the mean football players?! They seemed like completely random characters.

-THE LION KING-

I think I may bust out the SNES tonight and play this game. It has a good amount of challenge to it, and is a better movie based game than most that come out today. You played half of the levels as a cub and half as an adult. You got to play every major part of the movie. For instance, you have to outrun the stampede, and you get to jump all over the jungle animals just like in the "I Can't Wait to Be King" part of the movie. You have a level in the elephant graveyard, and a Hakuna Matata level. You get to fight Scar in a final battle at the end, where your goal is to throw him off the top of Pride Rock. You have a roar meter, and using it startles some creatures so that they flip over and you can kill them. You used "swipe" and "pounce" as your attacks. There was allot of the game dedicated to puzzles and to acrobatics. The level where you have to run on the ostriches and get thrown by monkeys is a good one if you want to give your brain a work out. I may have liked this game so much because I was obsessed with The Lion King movie for awhile. I could literally tell you all the lines in the movie. I really didn't have many friends as a child. I must have frightened them away.

-DONKEY KONG COUNTRY-

Everyone who had a SNES just HAD to have this game. Its still a ton of fun to play. I have Donkey Kong Country 1, 2, and 3 for SNES. My favorite thing was to break the crates with the animals. The rhino was super helpful. I absolutely detested the damn wasps, and the levels with the barrel cannons. I still remember having to throw eggs at a giant vulture during a boss level. In the second game, you are Diddy Kong and you team up with Dixie, who can use her ponytail to sort of fly. In the third one you have a damn baby....an enormous baby, that you drag around with you. I'm not sure if it was supposed to be Diddy and Dixie's love child or not. Even if he was simply a little brother, he was of the entirely wrong species. Maybe they were just into swiping toddlers to sell on the black market.

Playstation 1

-LOST WORLD : JURASSIC PARK-

Whats sad is that I know we had probably twenty or so games for the original Playstation, but these are the only ones I can remember playing obsessively. You played through as various species of dinosaurs, and as a human in a few instances. The most fun was arguably the velociraptor. You pounced on people and eviscerated them, feeding happily on their entrails. How fun! The T-Rex was awesome, simply due to the ease in which you could stomp and chomp people. However, the level was insanely difficult because the humans had an enormous amount of fire power. I remember the humans in the Jurassic Park movies getting owned by the T-Rexes in almost every instance. Yet in the game, they have grenades, rocket launchers, and enormous laser traps. Who knew that pixel people are far more intelligent and well armed than real ones. By far the most difficult part was being human. Taking down a three ton animal all by yourself is a bit difficult, especially one with teeth two times longer than your entire body. You didn't stand much of a chance against a Tyrannosaurus all by your lonesome. It was a very hard game, but for a little girl who went through a dinosaur phase in which I ran around the house pretending I was a vicious man eater, this game was awesome.

-TEKKEN 2-

I LOVED this game! I was in such awe with the graphics at the time. Its amazing how crappy they look to me now. I would invite my friends over and whip them again and again. All the little boys I was friends with would get mad that a girl was beating them at a fighting game. My secret? I memorized the combos for several of the characters. Everyone else just mashed buttons. These were long combos that took practice to get down. One mistake and you ruined it. Ah, the free time of child hood. I remember playing through every character in the game just so I could unlock their final cut scenes. The only character names I remember are Law, the guy in the orange suit in this screenshot, and Jun. I liked the Indian girl. There was also a leopard man and a dude made out of steel. At the end, you fought a purple guy with demon wings. I don't even know why. I also remember fighting a tropical kangaroo at some point......Or maybe I just imagined that the day my mom gave me fermented peaches.

~Bask in the glory of the cut scene! Yes, her cut scene was to walk out in the forest and commune with the animals like Snow freaking White. Come to think of it, was there even a comprehensive story line to this game?~

-SPYRO THE DRAGON-

This game was ingenious. It had a very original story line. It was cute as a button but not so easy and boring that it was kids only. You had to go around freeing the adult dragons from their crystal prisons. You could glide, breathe fire, and charge at things. This entire blog piece is making me want to go out and find an old PS1. My brother traded ours for an N64 quite along time ago, along with all the games. There are a million sequels for this game, but I've only played the first two titles. This is worth going back and playing, even if the graphics are extremely angular.

Gameboy

-SUPER OFF ROAD-

Super Off Road! This game was the go to on a long and boring road trip. There was also an arcade version in dozens of pizza places across the country for some reason. It was surprisingly difficult for a hand held racing game. There were only a scant few tracks, and little variety, but it still entertained the pants off of me. Then again, a ten year old is easily entertained. You could upgrade your tires and engine, etc. and buy NOS boosts. Mine was never in color.

-SNOW BROS.-

I couldn't even find an image for the version of this game that I used to play. I had one of the big, grey Gameboys. Everything it played was green. I don't even know why I liked this game so much. You were a snowman, and you threw snowballs at your enemies until they themselves were a giant ball of snow, which you then sent rolling around trying to flatten other enemies. The Snow Bros. actually looked a bit like plump little ghosts mixed with walking skeletons. I think they tried to rip off the popularity of the Mario Bros. characters. I can't imagine that business meeting. "Hey, Mario Bros. are the most popular video game characters! We should have some kind of "Bros."!...Lets make them SNOWMEN!..*giggles incoherently*.." I can completely see why someone would come up with that random idea.

I'm not even going to add Tetris to the list, or the original Pokemon Red and Blue. Too many people played those, including me. :)

Worst Horror Flicks of All Time

After discussing Killer Klowns in yesterday's post, I thought I'd share some of the horror movies that I have personally seen that are epic fails. Shitty B horror flicks are as prolific as a pair of bunnies using whatever medication Octo-mom was on. If I were to name every single ridiculously awful one that I have seen, I'd completely waste my hours of vidding time. For the sake of brevity, here are a sampling.

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Leprechaun 6: Back to Tha Hood

[Murder by Bong]

The scariest thing about this film as that it is a sequel to a movie that was just as useless (Leprechaun in The Hood.) The creators must be doing heavier drugs than pot to continue cranking out this crap. Besides the "hood" versions, there are 4 previous non-ghetto episodes of this little saga. Apparently, however, the first Hood film wasn't ghetto enough, so the directors felt the need to toss a little street speak in there with "tha." I do have to say that I've never seen anyone stab someone through the intestines with a bong, however. If you want to see some more of this fail, search Youtube for LITH 1's rap scene.

"Oh Yee-ay Brother"

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Stephen King's Dreamcatcher

All I remember from this film, is that some dude craps out an alien. I didn't understand much of the film after that, nor did I really try to. Its a drawn out clip, but eventually you arrive at the alien diarrhea. I don't know what is more frightening, the guy squeezing out an alien into the toilet, or the other guy trying to grab and use a toothpick that has been dropped in the rectum blood all over the floor. *Vomits*

[Dreamcatcher - Crap an..Alien?]

The red-head in this film (Jonesey) was great in HBO's Band of Brothers. I also remember watching him in PBS's Masterpiece Theater in a lovely mini-series based on the Forsyte Saga. What, exactly, was he thinking with this film? Stephen King might be a big name, but he sure as hell has allot of misses.

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Black Christmas - 2006

This is a remake of an older film. Of course. I actually went to see this in theaters for some unknown reason. Billy has been living in the attic of a sorority house, and is now hell bent on murdering all of the girls who live there. As usual, logic doesn't apply to this film. If I remember correctly, the killer is his own uncle. Which means his sister is his mother. Maybe that is wrong, its been a long time since I saw it. But there was some sort of messed up, inbred crap going on. That alone made my skin crawl. He was also extremely yellow, which made me think that he ate his own feces or some such thing and had developed jaundice. He also was less than creative. Nearly every murder consisted of impaling someone with a sharpened candy cane or an icicle, mostly in the face. Mmmmm, Christmas cookies made from human flesh. My favorite!

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Santa's Slay

Speaking of Christmas and massacre.... Who can forget this gem? That is, if you even knew it existed. At the time it came out, I was still watching WWE on a pretty regular basis, so it only made sense to watch a new film starring Goldberg. Didn't you know that Santa was actually the son of Satan? The entire reason behind his humiliating red suit and his slavery to the children of the world comes from the fact that he lost a bet. Oh you silly Santa. I do have to admit that watching Goldberg rip people a new one whilst dressed as jolly ole St. Nick was highly entertaining. It really isn't fair to say this is a horrible horror movie, because its absolutely hilarious.

[Santa's Slay - Opening Scene]

Ah...I can't count the number of times I wish someone had lit Fran on fire and then drowned her in a punch bowl. All those nights my parents insisted on watching The Nanny and I finely have closure.

"Ho, ho, f'ing ho bitches."

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House of Wax

Everything about this movie was stupid. I don't even remember the plot, besides that a bunch of teenagers were being killed by exhibits in a wax museum. Paris Hilton alone could have single handedly ruined this film simply by acting in it. It didn't, however, need her help. The only bright spot? Paris being impaled. No, not the sort of impaling that probably happens to her every day. I mean the non-sexual kind. The kind that results in blood and death. Thats hot.

All my dreams come true!!

Zombies DO Exist.

And I have PROOF!

You will need to turn your volume up pretty high to hear what he is saying before he loses control of his need for brains and goes for the camera man. He says something about coming out of his house, and seeing the dogs. Apparently they came "bounding over" and then morphed into excellent specimens of T-Virus experiments. Why wouldn't women love this man? Perhaps because they desire to keep all of their flesh...and their brains. His wife (I assume), looks like she lives in constant fear of his blood lust.

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WHY WOMEN DON'T LOVE YOU:

Because smashing them in the face with your yam bag is not the proper way to get a girl to come home with you. The little trick he pulled pecking the girl on the cheek was somewhat clever, but managing a semi smooth move here and there doesn't help you much when you are an unattractive, arrogant dude with shorts so big you look like you are wearing a skirt. The way he behaves just screams insecure little girl with a narcissism issue. Nothing like having a concussion due to a head-on collision with someone's family jewels.

_________________________

For some odd reason, I keep wondering to myself why people ever had the idea that clowns should be fun, amusing creatures for children to love. Children generally hates clowns. They develop life-long phobias when exposed to the colorful, frightening demons in disguise. IT is the classic example of the true nature of clowns. Inside lies a deadly monster, simply looking for the opportunity to devour your soul. Or convince you to crawl down in to a dark, creepy sewer in the middle of a severe rain storm. All the while the clown is saying creepy, cryptic things whilst smiling with a mouthful of suspiciously pointed teeth. (I still don't get that child's logic. I chalk his death up to natural selection.)

"They float, they all float. And when you're down here with me, fat boy, you'll float too..."

And the clowns that are not demons are aliens. However, the correct name for alien clowns is apparently "klowns." They shoot you with popcorn, which grow into man eating clown-plants. Then they capture you in colorful balloons and drag you to their space ship (which is, of course, a circus tent) and turn you into enormous cotton candy clumps. When you have ripened, they stick a straw into your pink fluffyness and drink your sweet, candy-like juices. I have watched this movie many times. Its priceless.

Actually, I'm not sure which is scarier...the clowns or the acting. It is highly debatable. This is, however, a must have B movie.

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To make it worse, we have to worry about the travesty that is Clown Porn:

[The Stop Clown Porn Movement]

At first I was positive that this was a prank site. I thought, "Too bad, because with all of their frightening powers, a militant wing sounds quite intimidating and potentially useful for world domination." People think about using robots or minions of various sorts to conquer the planet. Why do they never resort to clowns?

And then I found this site:

[Porn Clown Posse]

A quote from their site:

"Innocence will be embraced and perverted, felt-up, rubbed-down, shaved, spanked, tweaked, violated with grease paint and left to drip-dry."

As far as I can tell, the site is SFW (Safe for Work, therefore your eyes in general.) It seems legitimate, as in they actually do what they say they do. They even claimed to be featured in "Sextera" in '06, a program on the Playboy Channel. I'm not sure why I'm shocked to know this sort of thing exists. I'm sure there is fetish for just about everything that is possible on this planet, and plenty that is not. Unfortunately, its another bullet in my arsenal towards proving the fact that clowns are to be feared. In the very least, you should be somewhat disturbed by now. If, however, fat men with suspenders, face paint and enormously over-sized shoes molesting innocent kitties doesn't bother you...Well then, I suggest some sort of expensive therapy.

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If you need any more proof that clowns are evil, soul-less beasts of oblivion...then take note that Steve-O is a clown. Do you remember Steve-O? He was a regular on shows such as Jackass, where he did various things such as intentionally snap his man sausage in mouse traps. I always hated him. I thought he was disgusting and an absolutely ridiculous excuse for a human being. He has used cocaine, ketamine, PCP, and nitrous oxide (WTF? NOS? Really dude?) Well, I guess that makes sense for his profession, considering that it is laughing gas. He literally graduated Barnum & Bailey's Clown School. Therefore, he is a clown. See below.

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Steve-O Trying to Hump Adam Carolla

If I were to take a shot in the dark, I'd blame PCP for this rather than the alcohol. After they shut off the cameras, he probably started tearing his shirt off like the Incredible Hulk and trying to bench press the camera guy while screaming incoherently. This is another good example of "Why Women Don't Love You"...You're a raging substance abuser. And you are a soulless, wicked clown. Don't forget that one.

Ya ya what? Is that Troll Speak?

I'll jump straight into men failing at being even remotely attractive to women.

WHY WOMEN DON'T LOVE YOU

Because you are pasty white? Because you have that creepy, stalker smile? Because you only speak Goblin? Or "Yodeling, Hairless Yeti" ? Maybe a vampire and a troll had a forbidden love child, and this is him attempting to drown his shame..through yodel-tra la la-ing. (Or whatever you call that.) Maybe its actually a mind control spell. Gah! Its stuck in my head. GET IT OUT!

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Speaking of things that get stuck in your head, get this to stop repeating on your mental radio.

[The Leek Spin Song]

(It says that it requires a password to view, but it doesn't. Just click cancel when it asks for one and it should let you through.)

Yup, it goes on forever. Yup, it has its own Dot Com. If you find yourself mysteriously having a desire to eat leeks, or discover you suddenly have a need to buy a bunch of Japanese porn do not fret. That is simply the mind control in action. Once you recognize it you should be able to defeat it with your mental ninja skills. This isn't exactly new, but oh well.

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Speaking of Ninjas...

Random, but please go rent Ninja Assassin. Better yet, buy it. It is the most amazing ninja movie ever made. Full of blood, guts, and cool cinematography and stunts. What more can you ask for?

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1950s Public Service Announcements

Do you remember those odd, sometimes creepy (Ok, almost always creepy) PSAs from the 50s? No? Neither do I, considering I was born in the 80s. How about a quick flashback to these videos, which at times, seem to be thinly veiled attempts by the government to control your actions. More mind control? Maybe its a theme for me today.

Duck and Cover - Sure Fire Advice to Save you From an Atomic Bomb

It can "hurt you in different ways" .... "It can knock you down hard, or throw you against a tree." "It can burn worse than a terrible sunburn." Or it can melt your face completely off, but thats a minor difference. I'm sure falling to the ground and covering your head will save you from instant disintegration, or from your internal organs splattering onto the closest building. Oh wait, thats gone too. Of course a shelter will protect you! If you happen to survive, it will certainly shield you from the cancer. Don't worry if you develop extra limbs due to the radiation. Its just evolution. We humans are adaptable. We'll just be like Stewie from Family Guy, in the episode where he turns into an octopus and lays a thousand eggs. Finally, we will be able to accept mutants without fear or prejudice!

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Soapy The Germ Fighter

Look its in color! "Billy, just lie down and close your eyes..." (Shudders) "Get in the bathtub with me Timmy!" If I had only known it takes a talking, pedophile soap man to get kids to bathe more frequently!