After discussing Killer Klowns in yesterday's post, I thought I'd share some of the horror movies that I have personally seen that are epic fails. Shitty B horror flicks are as prolific as a pair of bunnies using whatever medication Octo-mom was on. If I were to name every single ridiculously awful one that I have seen, I'd completely waste my hours of vidding time. For the sake of brevity, here are a sampling.
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Leprechaun 6: Back to Tha Hood
The scariest thing about this film as that it is a sequel to a movie that was just as useless (Leprechaun in The Hood.) The creators must be doing heavier drugs than pot to continue cranking out this crap. Besides the "hood" versions, there are 4 previous non-ghetto episodes of this little saga. Apparently, however, the first Hood film wasn't ghetto enough, so the directors felt the need to toss a little street speak in there with "tha." I do have to say that I've never seen anyone stab someone through the intestines with a bong, however. If you want to see some more of this fail, search Youtube for LITH 1's rap scene.
"Oh Yee-ay Brother"
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Stephen King's Dreamcatcher
All I remember from this film, is that some dude craps out an alien. I didn't understand much of the film after that, nor did I really try to. Its a drawn out clip, but eventually you arrive at the alien diarrhea. I don't know what is more frightening, the guy squeezing out an alien into the toilet, or the other guy trying to grab and use a toothpick that has been dropped in the rectum blood all over the floor. *Vomits*
The red-head in this film (Jonesey) was great in HBO's Band of Brothers. I also remember watching him in PBS's Masterpiece Theater in a lovely mini-series based on the Forsyte Saga. What, exactly, was he thinking with this film? Stephen King might be a big name, but he sure as hell has allot of misses.
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Black Christmas - 2006
This is a remake of an older film. Of course. I actually went to see this in theaters for some unknown reason. Billy has been living in the attic of a sorority house, and is now hell bent on murdering all of the girls who live there. As usual, logic doesn't apply to this film. If I remember correctly, the killer is his own uncle. Which means his sister is his mother. Maybe that is wrong, its been a long time since I saw it. But there was some sort of messed up, inbred crap going on. That alone made my skin crawl. He was also extremely yellow, which made me think that he ate his own feces or some such thing and had developed jaundice. He also was less than creative. Nearly every murder consisted of impaling someone with a sharpened candy cane or an icicle, mostly in the face. Mmmmm, Christmas cookies made from human flesh. My favorite!
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Santa's Slay
Speaking of Christmas and massacre.... Who can forget this gem? That is, if you even knew it existed. At the time it came out, I was still watching WWE on a pretty regular basis, so it only made sense to watch a new film starring Goldberg. Didn't you know that Santa was actually the son of Satan? The entire reason behind his humiliating red suit and his slavery to the children of the world comes from the fact that he lost a bet. Oh you silly Santa. I do have to admit that watching Goldberg rip people a new one whilst dressed as jolly ole St. Nick was highly entertaining. It really isn't fair to say this is a horrible horror movie, because its absolutely hilarious.
Ah...I can't count the number of times I wish someone had lit Fran on fire and then drowned her in a punch bowl. All those nights my parents insisted on watching The Nanny and I finely have closure.
"Ho, ho, f'ing ho bitches."
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House of Wax
Everything about this movie was stupid. I don't even remember the plot, besides that a bunch of teenagers were being killed by exhibits in a wax museum. Paris Hilton alone could have single handedly ruined this film simply by acting in it. It didn't, however, need her help. The only bright spot? Paris being impaled. No, not the sort of impaling that probably happens to her every day. I mean the non-sexual kind. The kind that results in blood and death. Thats hot.
All my dreams come true!!
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