Worst Horror Flicks of All Time

After discussing Killer Klowns in yesterday's post, I thought I'd share some of the horror movies that I have personally seen that are epic fails. Shitty B horror flicks are as prolific as a pair of bunnies using whatever medication Octo-mom was on. If I were to name every single ridiculously awful one that I have seen, I'd completely waste my hours of vidding time. For the sake of brevity, here are a sampling.

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Leprechaun 6: Back to Tha Hood

[Murder by Bong]

The scariest thing about this film as that it is a sequel to a movie that was just as useless (Leprechaun in The Hood.) The creators must be doing heavier drugs than pot to continue cranking out this crap. Besides the "hood" versions, there are 4 previous non-ghetto episodes of this little saga. Apparently, however, the first Hood film wasn't ghetto enough, so the directors felt the need to toss a little street speak in there with "tha." I do have to say that I've never seen anyone stab someone through the intestines with a bong, however. If you want to see some more of this fail, search Youtube for LITH 1's rap scene.

"Oh Yee-ay Brother"

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Stephen King's Dreamcatcher

All I remember from this film, is that some dude craps out an alien. I didn't understand much of the film after that, nor did I really try to. Its a drawn out clip, but eventually you arrive at the alien diarrhea. I don't know what is more frightening, the guy squeezing out an alien into the toilet, or the other guy trying to grab and use a toothpick that has been dropped in the rectum blood all over the floor. *Vomits*

[Dreamcatcher - Crap an..Alien?]

The red-head in this film (Jonesey) was great in HBO's Band of Brothers. I also remember watching him in PBS's Masterpiece Theater in a lovely mini-series based on the Forsyte Saga. What, exactly, was he thinking with this film? Stephen King might be a big name, but he sure as hell has allot of misses.

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Black Christmas - 2006

This is a remake of an older film. Of course. I actually went to see this in theaters for some unknown reason. Billy has been living in the attic of a sorority house, and is now hell bent on murdering all of the girls who live there. As usual, logic doesn't apply to this film. If I remember correctly, the killer is his own uncle. Which means his sister is his mother. Maybe that is wrong, its been a long time since I saw it. But there was some sort of messed up, inbred crap going on. That alone made my skin crawl. He was also extremely yellow, which made me think that he ate his own feces or some such thing and had developed jaundice. He also was less than creative. Nearly every murder consisted of impaling someone with a sharpened candy cane or an icicle, mostly in the face. Mmmmm, Christmas cookies made from human flesh. My favorite!

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Santa's Slay

Speaking of Christmas and massacre.... Who can forget this gem? That is, if you even knew it existed. At the time it came out, I was still watching WWE on a pretty regular basis, so it only made sense to watch a new film starring Goldberg. Didn't you know that Santa was actually the son of Satan? The entire reason behind his humiliating red suit and his slavery to the children of the world comes from the fact that he lost a bet. Oh you silly Santa. I do have to admit that watching Goldberg rip people a new one whilst dressed as jolly ole St. Nick was highly entertaining. It really isn't fair to say this is a horrible horror movie, because its absolutely hilarious.

[Santa's Slay - Opening Scene]

Ah...I can't count the number of times I wish someone had lit Fran on fire and then drowned her in a punch bowl. All those nights my parents insisted on watching The Nanny and I finely have closure.

"Ho, ho, f'ing ho bitches."

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House of Wax

Everything about this movie was stupid. I don't even remember the plot, besides that a bunch of teenagers were being killed by exhibits in a wax museum. Paris Hilton alone could have single handedly ruined this film simply by acting in it. It didn't, however, need her help. The only bright spot? Paris being impaled. No, not the sort of impaling that probably happens to her every day. I mean the non-sexual kind. The kind that results in blood and death. Thats hot.

All my dreams come true!!

Zombies DO Exist.

And I have PROOF!

You will need to turn your volume up pretty high to hear what he is saying before he loses control of his need for brains and goes for the camera man. He says something about coming out of his house, and seeing the dogs. Apparently they came "bounding over" and then morphed into excellent specimens of T-Virus experiments. Why wouldn't women love this man? Perhaps because they desire to keep all of their flesh...and their brains. His wife (I assume), looks like she lives in constant fear of his blood lust.

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WHY WOMEN DON'T LOVE YOU:

Because smashing them in the face with your yam bag is not the proper way to get a girl to come home with you. The little trick he pulled pecking the girl on the cheek was somewhat clever, but managing a semi smooth move here and there doesn't help you much when you are an unattractive, arrogant dude with shorts so big you look like you are wearing a skirt. The way he behaves just screams insecure little girl with a narcissism issue. Nothing like having a concussion due to a head-on collision with someone's family jewels.

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For some odd reason, I keep wondering to myself why people ever had the idea that clowns should be fun, amusing creatures for children to love. Children generally hates clowns. They develop life-long phobias when exposed to the colorful, frightening demons in disguise. IT is the classic example of the true nature of clowns. Inside lies a deadly monster, simply looking for the opportunity to devour your soul. Or convince you to crawl down in to a dark, creepy sewer in the middle of a severe rain storm. All the while the clown is saying creepy, cryptic things whilst smiling with a mouthful of suspiciously pointed teeth. (I still don't get that child's logic. I chalk his death up to natural selection.)

"They float, they all float. And when you're down here with me, fat boy, you'll float too..."

And the clowns that are not demons are aliens. However, the correct name for alien clowns is apparently "klowns." They shoot you with popcorn, which grow into man eating clown-plants. Then they capture you in colorful balloons and drag you to their space ship (which is, of course, a circus tent) and turn you into enormous cotton candy clumps. When you have ripened, they stick a straw into your pink fluffyness and drink your sweet, candy-like juices. I have watched this movie many times. Its priceless.

Actually, I'm not sure which is scarier...the clowns or the acting. It is highly debatable. This is, however, a must have B movie.

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To make it worse, we have to worry about the travesty that is Clown Porn:

[The Stop Clown Porn Movement]

At first I was positive that this was a prank site. I thought, "Too bad, because with all of their frightening powers, a militant wing sounds quite intimidating and potentially useful for world domination." People think about using robots or minions of various sorts to conquer the planet. Why do they never resort to clowns?

And then I found this site:

[Porn Clown Posse]

A quote from their site:

"Innocence will be embraced and perverted, felt-up, rubbed-down, shaved, spanked, tweaked, violated with grease paint and left to drip-dry."

As far as I can tell, the site is SFW (Safe for Work, therefore your eyes in general.) It seems legitimate, as in they actually do what they say they do. They even claimed to be featured in "Sextera" in '06, a program on the Playboy Channel. I'm not sure why I'm shocked to know this sort of thing exists. I'm sure there is fetish for just about everything that is possible on this planet, and plenty that is not. Unfortunately, its another bullet in my arsenal towards proving the fact that clowns are to be feared. In the very least, you should be somewhat disturbed by now. If, however, fat men with suspenders, face paint and enormously over-sized shoes molesting innocent kitties doesn't bother you...Well then, I suggest some sort of expensive therapy.

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If you need any more proof that clowns are evil, soul-less beasts of oblivion...then take note that Steve-O is a clown. Do you remember Steve-O? He was a regular on shows such as Jackass, where he did various things such as intentionally snap his man sausage in mouse traps. I always hated him. I thought he was disgusting and an absolutely ridiculous excuse for a human being. He has used cocaine, ketamine, PCP, and nitrous oxide (WTF? NOS? Really dude?) Well, I guess that makes sense for his profession, considering that it is laughing gas. He literally graduated Barnum & Bailey's Clown School. Therefore, he is a clown. See below.

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Steve-O Trying to Hump Adam Carolla

If I were to take a shot in the dark, I'd blame PCP for this rather than the alcohol. After they shut off the cameras, he probably started tearing his shirt off like the Incredible Hulk and trying to bench press the camera guy while screaming incoherently. This is another good example of "Why Women Don't Love You"...You're a raging substance abuser. And you are a soulless, wicked clown. Don't forget that one.

Ya ya what? Is that Troll Speak?

I'll jump straight into men failing at being even remotely attractive to women.

WHY WOMEN DON'T LOVE YOU

Because you are pasty white? Because you have that creepy, stalker smile? Because you only speak Goblin? Or "Yodeling, Hairless Yeti" ? Maybe a vampire and a troll had a forbidden love child, and this is him attempting to drown his shame..through yodel-tra la la-ing. (Or whatever you call that.) Maybe its actually a mind control spell. Gah! Its stuck in my head. GET IT OUT!

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Speaking of things that get stuck in your head, get this to stop repeating on your mental radio.

[The Leek Spin Song]

(It says that it requires a password to view, but it doesn't. Just click cancel when it asks for one and it should let you through.)

Yup, it goes on forever. Yup, it has its own Dot Com. If you find yourself mysteriously having a desire to eat leeks, or discover you suddenly have a need to buy a bunch of Japanese porn do not fret. That is simply the mind control in action. Once you recognize it you should be able to defeat it with your mental ninja skills. This isn't exactly new, but oh well.

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Speaking of Ninjas...

Random, but please go rent Ninja Assassin. Better yet, buy it. It is the most amazing ninja movie ever made. Full of blood, guts, and cool cinematography and stunts. What more can you ask for?

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1950s Public Service Announcements

Do you remember those odd, sometimes creepy (Ok, almost always creepy) PSAs from the 50s? No? Neither do I, considering I was born in the 80s. How about a quick flashback to these videos, which at times, seem to be thinly veiled attempts by the government to control your actions. More mind control? Maybe its a theme for me today.

Duck and Cover - Sure Fire Advice to Save you From an Atomic Bomb

It can "hurt you in different ways" .... "It can knock you down hard, or throw you against a tree." "It can burn worse than a terrible sunburn." Or it can melt your face completely off, but thats a minor difference. I'm sure falling to the ground and covering your head will save you from instant disintegration, or from your internal organs splattering onto the closest building. Oh wait, thats gone too. Of course a shelter will protect you! If you happen to survive, it will certainly shield you from the cancer. Don't worry if you develop extra limbs due to the radiation. Its just evolution. We humans are adaptable. We'll just be like Stewie from Family Guy, in the episode where he turns into an octopus and lays a thousand eggs. Finally, we will be able to accept mutants without fear or prejudice!

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Soapy The Germ Fighter

Look its in color! "Billy, just lie down and close your eyes..." (Shudders) "Get in the bathtub with me Timmy!" If I had only known it takes a talking, pedophile soap man to get kids to bathe more frequently!

MIA

I know, I know. That is what I have been. As if anyone has ever read this blog anyways. Lol. I got very frustrated when most of YouTube's videos became long and stretched. I like the layout for my blog, and couldn't get the videos to fit right. It made me insane. It still does, at least the ones that are rectangular. For those, I'll simply post a link rather than try and incorporate the actual video into the blog. Otherwise the side gets cut off. That coupled with the craptastic internet we are saddled with after moving put me off of updating the blog all together. However, I now have pretty reliable access to a high speed connection, and plan on updating at least weekly.

To start us off, I wanted to show some trailers for some video games I have that I really love, and some trailers for games I really want. I'll start out with something interesting so that those of you who bore easily can slink away towards the end.

Game Name:

Red Dead Redemption.

Synopsis:

This game comes out May 18, 2010. I really, really want this game and I don't generally purchase new releases. Its basically GTA in the old west, with much better graphics capabilities. But then, I love any game where I get to ride a horse around. (Except those sissy la-la kiddy horse games. I admit I've bought a few, but they generally suck.) You live in a pretty open ended world, and can pick and choose missions or just run around shooting people and stealing from ladies in petticoats, or whatever they wore back then.

Suitability:

I'm sure it'll be an adult-only game due to violence. However, if you don't have a problem with letting your kid shoot train robbers with a rifle, its your choice.

[Red Dead Redemption Trailer]

Next comes a game that I already own. The only reason I was able to get this right after its release was because my husband got it for me for Christmas. It is hands down the best game of all time (for me.) *Drum roll*...

Game Name:

Dragon Age: Origins

[Dragon Age Trailer]

Synopsis:

You are a person (or an elf or a dwarf, your choice) who eventually ends up becoming a Grey Warden. You go through your beginning story, based on what race and class you chose, and then end up joining up. You have to help defeat the "Dark Spawn" before they kill everyone in the land. Pretty basic plot, but with all of the zillions of choices you have and the ability to build and destroy relationships with characters, the outcomes can be wildly different. There are a few possible endings as well, all dependent on your choices. You can also get jiggy with many of the characters in your party.

The Good:

I love the fantasy genre, but I generally don't play allot of fantasy games set up in this fashion. I usually get bored of them too easily. They are usually too focused on weapon sets and crap you collect, etc. and have altogether much too boring story lines. This, however, is by Bioware, the company who did the Knights of the Old Republic games (which I am a huge fan of.) I love the decision making game play, and the relationships and side quests that go along with your party members. It gives the game much more depth. Did I mention you can cause the birth of a dragon-demon baby? I managed to make my character queen of the land as well through my manipulation of my boy toy/slave...*cough cough* I mean boyfriend. Did I mention the in-game graphics are almost as beautiful as the cut scenes? And people's mouths and fingers MOVE PROPERLY. Kudos for that accomplishment. Their facial expressions are also pretty smooth and life-like.

Suitability:

The rating says inappropriate for children. In this regard it doesn't simply mean that there is blood and violence. There is in-game sex. So, if you don't want your 13 year old paying for a gay midget prostitute (no seriously, this is an actual option) or sleeping with a seductive elf-man reminiscent of Puss N Boots from Shrek..I would keep it away from your kids.

Downfalls:

I recommend this for the PS3. It is also for Xbox 360, but I found that it had some glitches with some of the more action-oriented cut scenes. Which is a pity, because they are gorgeous and it sucks to miss them. It was only one or two, and the rest of the game played smoothly. But alas.

Game Name:

Eternal Sonata

Synopsis:

You are a terminally ill little girl in a "dream world" that is all in the dying Chopin's (yes, the composer) head. Or so I have gathered from playing it. It still manages to be very upbeat and sun-shiney. Yes, its THAT type of game. Its an RPG with a turn based attack system and a "save the people from the evil dude" type story line. Its full of classical music and ties into the actual Chopin's history somehow.

[Eternal Sonata Trailer]

The Good:

Its so pretty. Its very colorful and I like the artwork. The music is also gorgeous, most if not all being Chopin's actual pieces. It gives you little history lessons about Chopin's life, which are actually somewhat interesting. The storyline is sweet, even though it should be depressing. I haven't played through the entire thing, but its pretty fun. I also am pretty fond of the attack system, especially as you progress further into the game and have more options. Basically, I love the game because it is gorgeous in terms of its visual and audio aspects. The people are like a cross between 3D video game graphics and hand drawings.

Suitability:

This game should be fine for anyone, including children. I doubt they will get the morbidity of the whole thing, considering how child-like and upbeat the game tries to remain.

The Bad:

Well, it is technically about a bunch of terminally ill people, one who has to come to terms with the fact she doesn't even really exist (supposedly.) But, they somehow make it all seem OK. Until you watch the trailer and it suddenly connects, that "Eternal Sonata" is referring to death, and the whole game is one giant, somehow sweetly morbid story about how we cannot escape our inevitable passing. Also, it seems almost as if there is this pedophile thing going on between Polka (the little girl) and Chopin. Again, it has little history lessons now and then. Although interesting they can get old and boring at the same time.

Thats all for now. I'll have more later.

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WTF?!

I'm incredibly freaked out by this. How is this kid even managing this? It seems like a very tiring work out. Why are her limbs like rubber? What is she screeching? Someone pointed out she might have Down's Syndrome. Well, that sucks. But it doesn't change the fact that this video reminds me of a snake/slug/human hybrid.

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Why Women Don't Love You:

Because you are creepy. You have an anger management problem. You shouldn't be taking South Park jokes so seriously. They are like stand-up comedians. They make fun of everyone equally. And don't go, "I'm a Christian. F you." Great example of Christian behavior. Its like those "Christians" who picket on street corners with signs saying we should burn homosexuals. Jesus preached that we are not worthy to judge others. He also preached tolerance of everyone, and kindness to all, regardless of your opinion on the righteousness of their actions. Don't be a hypocrite, it makes real Christians look bad. (BTW, Go Jesus. Christian and proud of it.I curse some and I make fun of people left and right on this blog. Remember again that the style of this thing is satire and sarcasm. It doesn't mean that this is my personality.) So what if people are calling you a "ginger" at school?! Deal with it! Laugh it off, let it slide. People will stop making fun of you when you quit reacting. Your hair is colored like ginger. I don't see why it is a derogatory term. Get some mental help.

Also, you are not going to stop South Park. Tom Cruise wouldn't have been able to stop them if he went after them for their Scientology episodes, and he has allot more money and connections than you. Spend your time trying to stand up for a more worthy cause, like keeping baby hairless moles from being slaughtered by people who make them into expensive, creepy armchairs. Or discovering Lady Gaga's true gender once and for all.

If you want to silence someone, I suggest Joaquin Phoenix. Not only can he not rap worth a dollar's worth of toe-cheese, but he looks like he is going the way of Charles Manson. That beard just screams tree hugging serial killer in the making. Or very rebellious Amish man. You may also see that he is inflicting pain with his fists on audience members, although not as much as on their ears. The man he is attacking probably is thankful for the punching because it makes his ears stop bleeding. Joaquin, you were pretty good actor, but we never knew you'd go the way of crazy like your "want to molest my sister" character Commodus in Gladiator, and end up bat-shit insane. Whatever woman is with you probably loves your money, if you have any left, but not you.