Muslims WILL Take Over The Planet

So I am sitting here at my computer listening to Toccata & Fugue in D Minor by Bach (which is a rather ominous organ piece) and I am wondering why in the hell all of this classical music is hard to SPELL, much less read. I am trying to pick anything that seems even remotely familiar. For some reason, I'm being drawn to clicking on anything that says "sonata" or "Tchaikovsky" in it. For some reason I just like how his name clicks off the tongue. Its like throwing a spitting cat down a ski slope.

In any case, I received an email from my father talking about how we need to do something about the poor way in which our country is currently being run. I suddenly remembered a video I watched several months back on worldwide demographics. My dad's "America-is-going-to-melt-into-oblivion-soon" email coupled with the dark, Halloween-ish classical song in the background gave me the desire to laugh maniacally. It also got me to thinking, "Well dad, it won't really matter in 50 years WHAT we do because we are going to be taken over by Muslims soon, so all we can do is slow down the inevitable." Apparently, the Islamics' plan is to breed us out of existence. They only blow themselves to smithereens now and then as a way to distract us from their real, ultimate plot:



They are going to take one from the bunnies: SHAG! SHAG LIKE YOU NEVER HAVE BEFORE! Not only will this plan ultimately win them a very sneaky victory, but it will also bring great joy and satisfaction to millions of Muslim men. What a double positive for them! People are finally taking notice of the giant influx of Muslims, but by now its already too late. It cannot be stopped! *screams and faints*

As long as we don't all have to start dressing like this:


Are those GOGGLES? Really now. I can't wear that. I'm too chubby, and I'd sweat too much. Not only that, but I've worked very hard to grow my hair out, and eventually my goal is to have it reach my ankles. That is an accomplishment that just cannot be hidden! That and the fact that I have two tattoos I paid good money for, and they need to see the light of day. In addition to all of that, if my skin gets no sun I start to look like an albino cave fish, complete with the blue little vein-y road maps across my thighs and undersides of my forearms. My skin needs to FEED on that great yellow orb in the sky!

If we are allowed to dress like some of the new, more modern Muslims, however, its all good:


Actually, scratch that. Maybe in a year when I've lost all my weight gain. Right now, I'm too chubby to wear that too. The interesting thing about this photo is that this woman received tons of threatening letters condemning her for going against her people by posing in a bikini, an "evil of the western world." This was a few years ago, but the opinion is still the same today. Even more recently, a girl was murdered in Germany for what we (and most of Germany) would consider wearing normal clothing. She was stabbed 20 times by her brother. This is what is known as an honor killing, and is a common occurrence in Islamic communities for any woman who chooses to act out and dress/behave "inappropriately". They apparently believe they are saving her honor by destroying her sinful human body. If that is the type of Islam that is invading Europe and eventually going to try and take over America, I'm going to live in a submarine, where no one can get to me.

Fortunately, the Islamic people that I have personally seen in the USA wear normal clothing, behave like normal Americans, and don't go around killing each other for ridiculous reasons or plotting to blow us up. So for those of you who bash Islamic Americans, grow the hell up. You are going to have to deal with them sooner or later as you are not having enough sex (or enough sex with an actual successful transfer of sperm involved) to compete with the growth of their culture. Or so they say.

Speaking of immigrants, I have another bone to pick. For those of you who bitch about Latinos immigrating (which is different than being an illegal, which I completely disagree with) into our country, they are the only ones holding our numbers steady enough to keep our culture from being entirely eradicated. So, if you are not planning on spreading your seed and creating little minions, you need them. Most are Catholic. Do we want to keep this a Christian nation? Well, according to most radical liberals, and atheists no... But I sure as hell would love it if we remained true to the God we were founded under, and Catholicism is a form of Christianity.

That being said, I have several Mexican friends. Mexicans who speak English and are legal citizens. They are just as American as you and me, even if they were born or raised across the border. They are my friends and they have every right to be here. They paid their dues, they took the classes, filled out the paperwork, etc. This country is built on immigrants. Its not a "white man's" world, it a mixing pot. As well it should be! I am sick and tired of everyone bashing ALL Latinos. A legal U.S. citizen is a legal U.S. citizen. Not all Latinos are aliens. With a little freaking brain power, you can differentiate between the two and quit lumping people together just because of their skin color or accent. On the other hand, there are the waves of illegals who refused to become an actual citizen. For those of you who would just like to hop over here, refuse to speak English, refuse to pay your dues or become a citizen...For those of you who decide to go huddle together with a bunch of other aliens and try to create your tiny pockets of Mexi-America and pretend its your own little separate country...For those of you who try and milk our stupid welfare system without even being an actual patriot, get the hell out of OUR US of A.

Whoo.... I have to sit down after that one....

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WHY WOMEN DON'T LOVE YOU

Because you beat the crap out of them. 'Nough Said:



Actual news reports confirm that he beat the living hell out of her. Really though,...if a hooker bit your tongue and just wouldn't let go, wouldn't you smack her once or twice? Just to unlock her teeth from your face?! Apparently, however, he didn't stop once he had "detached" her. He decided to beat the living snot out of her. I wonder why she bit his tongue? He probably had some kinky fetish and asked her to do it but under-rated his pain tolerance. At this point his anger management issues came into play. Vince, not even hoes will give you their temporary love (to the tune of one grand) if you smash their face in. And that is WHY WOMEN DONT LOVE YOU, not even hookers.

Before I let up on this guy however, check out his Sham Wow infomercial... When I first saw this commercial on TV I poked my fiance in the ribs and said, "Isn't this guy really creepy? Doesn't he look like a serial killer, or someone who is going to drag you into a dark alley and sodomize you?" He just looked at me funny as if I was insane (as he often does.) Well guess what? I was right this time! He is a crazy, violent creep! Perhaps he didn't murder her, but it seems like murder is the next step up from brutal assault isn't it? Gold star for me, for my ability to read this guy from one TV commercial.



Notice the "crazy eyes", and that distance look of blood lust. You see it too, don't you?! Next, see the Slap Chop commercial. Hmm...Slap Chop. Irony at its best. Can't say much more than that except, "You're going to love my nuts!"



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BLOGS I LOVE:

I have become addicted to several blogs over the past few months that I check up on quite frequently. I thought I'd share them with you in the off chance that you appreciate satire, sarcasm, or pointing and laughing at the failures and stupidity of others. Based on these blog choices, you can call me an over-reactive, out spoken, whiny you-know-what who looks down on others if you like. But watching other people be idiots or reading their moronic letters and giggling at their low IQ makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. (No, I don't look down on other people. Most of the time I am just as dumb, but I see how you could easily get that impression of me. Just remember that I am HUGE on sarcasm and my "over-reacting" isn't really that at all, I just like to beef up my words. Its my writing style.)

[Fail Blog]

-This is where you go to read about other people's failures, watch videos of their failures, etc. Then you get to feel good about how you did not do those things (hopefully) and they did, call them losers, and feel better about your sad, sad self.-

[The Bloggess]

- Because I love her satire, and her sarcastic, over-the-top, humorous rambling. Her utter weird-ness & the fact she doesn't give a damn what people think of her for it is also very refreshing. Her run-on sentences do irk me somewhat, however. (Although I am highly guilty of it myself.)-

[Eden Fantasys : The Bloggess]

- Its another column by The Bloggess done for a sex site. Its a humorous sex blog, and damned if it isn't very funny. Its even all work safe, so you don't have to worry about clicking on any of her posts and getting some scary video/pictures. Of course if you are old fashioned you are probably gasping and covering your mouth at the mere mention of a sex blog, so you probably should just back away from the computer before God strikes you down for even knowing this webpage exists.-

[Engrish]

-Examples of very crappy English. Even more crappy than your typical American English, and we all know that is pretty bad. Most of these are the English on signs in other countries, like Japan or China. Some of their poor translations are hillarious.-

[Emails From Crazy People]

-Not just emails, but hand-written letters, texts, facebook posts, etc. These are priceless. I wish there was more content, because this is one of my favorite blogs, but it is pretty damn new.-

[Passive-Aggressive Notes]

-A website full of passive-agressive notes. I am STILL unsure of what passive-agressive is, even after looking up its definition, but the letters are hugely funny.-

[Psychotic Letters From Men]

-A bunch of stories of crazy dudes who usually end up stalking some girl, or who think they are some amazing sex god. Most include actual texts, emails and letters from these crazy dudes to one girl or another. Funny stuff.-

[Fugly Horse of the Day]

-This one has nothing really for anyone who doesn't like horses. I do. Its an admirable website in which a snarky woman posts fugly horses that idiots keep breeding and bashes them for it. She also posts about abuse cases, about people who are morons and starve their horses, put their children in danger with horses, can't ride the horses, are really bad at selling them, etc. She outs every idiot in the horse industry. She is my freaking HERO!-

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...From Books To Movies To Games...

In the news of my boring old life, I finished Pet Sematary. The ending was much too predictable. I do admit I believed Gage would murder his father first, but I was pretty sure he'd kill everyone else in a crazy rampage. I mean, when your lazy-ass cat comes back all weird and starts going on a rodent murdering spree, you have to guess that if you bury a freaking kid its probably going to come back possessed by the devil. Or at least some sort of freaky demon. Oh yeah, if you never read the book and wanted to, you shouldn't have just read my post because it contains spoilers. Too late for that now I suppose. Next I think I'll rent the movie and see how it stands up to the novel. I always like making those comparisons, but its usually always better if you read the book first. The book came first after all.

Speaking of which, The Lord of the Rings series by Jackson did great at matching up to the books. I was a little pissed that they crammed the first part of book two into the end of book one to make a dramatic ending to the first movie, because at that point I had only read book one (thinking that was all I needed to read before going to the FIRST movie, based on the FIRST book). I didn't freaking know Boromir freaking died! (Apologizes for my use of "freaking".) And then I did, within five minutes, and I was pissed that I didn't find out from the book. I was also irritated at first with Frodo and most of the other hobbits because they were too skinny. But then I had watched the old anime version of The Hobbit as a kid and was expecting the same fat little dudes who could tuck their arms and legs in and roll down a hill. They also gave Arwen way too much of a role, since she never was the one who out ran the wraiths to save Frodo...she really didn't do shit in the books at all except be loved by Strider. But I guess when I think about it, that is one thing Tolkien should have done, is give her more of a role, and I suppose Jackson took it upon himself to remedy that.

If you want to know a movie that was a ridiculously bad rendition of a book, watch Jumper. Actually, don't watch it. For starters, Hayden Christiansen is a douchebag and a crappy actor. Secondly, the movie is nothing like the book. The only real similarity is the guy's ability to teleport anywhere he has seen. The end. The book was much better. I read the book after seeing the movie, and was sad I ever watched the film. Actually, I was sad I ever watched the film halfway through the showing. There was never a second teleporter. There was never some white-haired, sci-fi looking black dude hunting him down with little zappy sticks. There were goverment people trying to catch him, but they were more like the FBI. You know, in suits. And they tried to catch him with tranq. darts. Just Hollywood ruining a perfectly great novel.

Speaking of movies based off of things, lets talk about movies based off of video games. The only good movies I have seen based off of games are Resident Evil and Silent Hill. Everything else sucked. The Hitman = FAIL. Max Payne = FAIL. Doom = Somewhat of a fail. Well, it was dumb, but it could have sucked worse. Could have been better, maybe even just not having the freaking Rock as the main character would have saved it some. Bloodrayne= MAJOR MAJOR FAIL. Bloodrayne made zero sense whatsoever, was basically just a B-rated porno flick, and the entire PLANET was devoid of life at the end. Except, of course, for the horny half vampire, who didn't have anyone to shag anymore. And having everyone die seemed just a bit like the entire movie had no point. At least Resident Evil had that awesome chick from The Fifth Element in it, and she kicked ass. You really don't need much of a storyline there. And it felt like the game. I really enjoyed Silent Hill, especially the big guy with the triangle for a head, and the blind zombie nurses. *Shudders*.



Lets just hope the Halo movie rocks, because if you ruin that, you fail at life. Because Halo was an epic game and even had some great novels written about it.

Speaking of video games, I am going to start a new segment in this Blog. It may not be an everday occurence, but it will be at least every few days. I was cleaning up our living room today, and started sorting our pile of video games. I realized I had only completely played through four out of twenty or so games. I felt like such an idiot for wasting money on perfectly good games, and never using them. One of them was still in its plastic packaging. Although to be fair, that one cost me $5, and I only snatched it because of its insanely cheap price. It is Kingdom Hearts 2, which I don't want to start into until I finish Kingdom Hearts 1, and I CAN'T get past the giant lizard in Tarzan's World and it drove me so insane I put the game down and refused to play it for an entire year.

In any event, I am choosing to slowly work my way through each game. Most are games with stories, RPGs or adventure games or what not. I will update on my progress with my game in a daily section called My Vidding Journey. A complete, unproductive waste of my time? Perhaps, but I'll be dammed if that $20 spent four years ago is going to go to waste another year on some of these games. Lol.

I'll start out by saying that the only game I have that I DO play at least a couple of times a month if not once a week are my Guitar Hero games (1,2,3 and Metallica), my Karaoke Revolution game, and my DDR games (I use them for exercise.) The only other two games that are not RPG/Adventure games and do not have career modes or timelines to get through, etc. are Gallop Racer and Viva Pinata, each of which I will play non- stop for a couple of weeks and then let sit for 5 months. I do have Need For Speed: Carbon, but that has a career mode I kind of see as a storyline, and Stuntman Ignition and Burnout Paradise which both have missions, etc. to get through in a certain order. Next, the only 4 games out of the dozens we own that I have played through:

Legacy of Kain (Xbox)
Okami (PS2)
Indigo Prophecy (PS2)
Knights of the Old Republic 1 (Xbox)

My favorite of those four was KOTOR (Knights...) I actually played through it an entire two times, and it was a long game. I loved it that much. Being able to basically choose how everything would go in the storyline based on how you interacted and spoke to the characters was awesome and I had to play through as both dark and light. I have decided that I am going to play through KOTOR 2 and try to finish collecting all of the animals on Viva Pinata next, as well as actually GET somewhere in Sims 2 beyond burning my Sim into a pile of ash, getting him slapped by his wife for getting caught cheating, or using codes to be a zillionare and build fancy houses. Sims 2 has goals and challenges, etc. and I'm actually going to try and accomplish something rather than just amuse myself. Usually when I play I pretend I'm God and I can orchestrate their little lives like a soap opera, and drown them in the swimming pool, and, and....Geez, I have issues.

As far as Larry's Bitch of the Day goes, I'm going to make it Larry's Weekly Bitch Session, as he has become less bitchy lately, hasn't been around much, and doesn't have as many juicy whining sessions anymore. Plus he'll be gone for two weeks soon, so he won't be here to say a darn thing for awhile.

I will also add a new segment soon once I start Juan's filly. I am not getting paid as I volunteered. Good experience. I think I'll call the segment Horse Poo. Not only will it chronicle my breaking in of a 3 year old filly, but it will also follow the training of my own yearlings, and the events which transpire should I choose to ride Juan's stallion. Never done that before.... If I suddenly stop posting, you'll know I perished of a hoof to the head...or something of the sort.

Zombie Cats Scare Me

Because that is just f'ing creepy. I've recently been reading Stephen King's "Pet Sematary", and I can't get zombie cats out of my head. I realize that Church (the undead feline in the book) is not a zombie per say...But I just can't help but imagine him beginning to rot and fall apart, much like a Dawn of the Dead zombie. The way King constantly describes that rancid odor.... So far, I am really liking this book. It has become my favorite King novel, although I was pretty creeped out by "Thinner". I haven't gotten to the end yet, but Louis is about to do the very thing he should not and bury his demolished two year old in the magical graveyard. I get this sneaking suspicion that the kid will come back and murder his father in his sleep...at which point I will most likely have nightmares about zombie toddlers, and that will be much worse than the cats. Cats have an inherentely creepy quality to them in the first place. Something perhaps almost super natural about them, so zombie cats don't really seem like a huge stretch to me. But zombie toddlers....creepy children like Dameon or the girl from The Ring have always given me the willies.

Check this out:


Can something be cute and creepy at the same time? This picture proves the answer to be yes.

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WHY WOMEN DON'T LOVE YOU



I actually feel really bad for this guy. This video is ridiculously sad. (If this is real, of course, and not some act.) It seems as if this man came into one of those dating service places, because he had heard his ex-girlfriend had recently been there. He paid good money to have a dating video taken of him. Of course, these places intend to use the video as a single's video, which should highlight some facts about the person such as name, age, likes and dislikes, maybe even the odd little quirk or fetish now and then (hey, some people want weird things...)

However, this man apparently believed he was paying this dating service to make a video FOR "Janice", and deliver it to her. He intended to profess his undying love on video, proving he was her one and only by shelling out the dough to get a professional video message made, thus convincing her to come running back. I'm not sure it went so well... I do hope the final product WAS missing all of the parts he asked them rewind and tape over....at least for his dignitiy's sake. Did they ever send this tape directly to Janice? Somehow I doubt it.

As bad as I feel for him, I couldn't stop laughing. I can see his thought process so clearly!:

Randy's Thoughts: I want Janice back. Ok, so I'll pay these guys to make this video message for her. Here goes...

Randy's Words: "Janice, I demand you bring my truck and home back!"(which I assume is a trailer by the look of things)

Randy's Thoughts: Oh shit, wait... That probably isn't what I should say to get her back. Lets try this...

Randy's Words: "I love you and miss you".

Randy's Thoughts: ...Thats a good one right thar. Oh, and I should compliment her too, women love flattery...

Randy's Words: "You have the best boobs ever. You are so cool because you like sports!..You can't keep your fucking mouth shut though.."

Randy's Thoughts: Oh wait, maybe I shouldn't say that last part. Can we back up?

Randy's Words: "I miss and love you."

Randy's Thoughts: ...Yeah, I'll just add that in (again)..Oh but this time I'll add extra

Randy's Words: "You are beautiful." "Oh, and if we wanted to have a baby it could bring us beer and chips! You don't have to get all fat and pregnant and .... BIG! We could just put your egg and my seed in your SISTERS belly because she don't give a rat's ass what she looks like, the stupid pig! It would still be OUR baby!"

Randy's Thoughts: Gee, yeah! We could totally use her sister as a hatchery and a milk machine so my Janice won't have to be a fat whale for a few months, and she won't have them darn stretch marks. And her sister doesn't give a shit about her body anyways, what with the smoking and the crack and the booze! Lets just make use of her fat, lazy ass and stick a child in that belly! She has already had 12 illegitimate crack babies. She is a well oiled baby factory by now! Then we can watch our sports shows and that thar kid can go across to his aunties house and grab us some booze. Hell, I'll bet he can start on that when he is just 2 years old. They can walk by then right? (Yay for the confused, boozing toddler slave who came out of one woman, but calls the other mommy and who will probably be addicted to cigarettes and meth while still in the womb.)

Randy's Words: "So what did she say on her tape?" "Wait...what?! She didn't say anything about ME?!" (God forbid she is actually trying to find someone NEW, hence the reason she paid a dating service for a single's tape...Maybe she doesn't want a snack food/beer fetching cracked out toddler slave.) "Quit telling me to pretend the camera is not JANICE! THATS NOT WHO ITS SUPPOSED TO NOT BE!" (Wait...what??)

Randy's Thoughts: These guys are morons. Am I wasting my money on my love-tape? Should I find a different "get my redneck girlfriend back so we can make tiny, alcoholic servants with the use of our very own baby making crack whore" service?

Randy's Words: "Did I waste my money! JANICE! I miss you and love you damn it! THIS CAMERA IS JANICE! IT IS!!!!!!"

Randy's Thoughts: Don't f'ing MESS with my HEAD! This IS JANICE! That camera, right there, is my beautiful, not fat and preggo, Janice who loves sports and won't shut her damn mouth, and has the best boobies I have ever gotten to touch!

Randy's Words: "So, can we back up and erase all of the screaming I just did?"

Randy's Thoughts: I don't want all that to go into the tape. Just the part about boobies and using mind control to enslave the babies we are going to make in that big factory (aka her sister's well worn uterus.) Well, I better finish it off good.

Randy's Words: "I love you and miss you. " (The only sane thing he has said...again and again...on this tape.)

*Sigh* Janice...RUN. Run while you still have the chance. And take your sister with you. Maybe look into getting her vagina sewn shut while your at it. We can't risk an army of baby slaves. Whomever gets a hold of them will simply be too powerful to stop.

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In case you case you care about my actual life... I was recently huddled in a park well after the sun went down this weekend. I had Sarge, our red heeler puppy, and my new Stephen King novel to occupy my time. Sarge turned out to be a crappy little protector, huddling in my lap and clinging to me like a furry leech at every odd noise. Soon it became dark, and the park was deserted. I was dissapointed to find the park had no swings, only those climby jungle gym type structures that have always looked fancy, but also seemed like a good way to break a five year old's neck in three places. What self respecting park doesn't have a swingset anyways! This park only had slides, monkey bars, and tons of crap to climb on. I didn't start getting scared until I got to the part in the book where the jogger gets demolished by a car and thrown head first into a tree, and then dumped on the doctor's rug. The imagery was not pretty, and the creepy drunk guy walking down the street was starting to take on a zombie-like appearance in my mind's eye. I climbed up the slide and hid myself in the small jungle gym baracade. It was a good defensive position. I was off the ground and protected on three sides, with only a set of narrow stairs and a slide in front of me. I could imagine kicking any would be attackers direclty down the slide quite easily, whether they be zombies or drunks.

Eventually, Adam came back and I had to leave my little zombie fortress fantasy behind, and realized I had been having a bit of fun with my somewhat scary (and often times child-like) imagination. Oh the good old days of being a little kid. We drove until 1:30 in the A.M., at which point we stopped at a campground at Three Creeks, Sisters. Its a beautiful spot with a crystalline lake. Unfortunately, its pretty packed in the summer, and Hoodoo has decided its $14 a night for a campsite! This is a government freaking campsite with little dirt spots... The most extravagant thing there is a freaking outdoor toilet with no plumbing. They claim the fees help with costs of upkeeping the camp sites. What costs? Sucking the crap out of the john? Frankly, I don't think the stupid forest service is needed there. I refuse to pay for such ridiculousness. The camp lady made her rounds that morning and asked us to pay. We told her we would, but left later. We camped about 10 minutes from there, OUTSIDE the little campground, and it was much better. No one was crowding us and there was a very neat pond nearby. We got some awesome photographs and enjoyed ourselves in peace and quiet! I almost considered writing something nasty on the little envelope that the camp lady had given us about being taxpayers and not giving a rat's ass if they deserted that campground forever...but I decided that I have a problem and needed to keep more of my thoughts to myself. So I did.


The little envelope warned that non-payment constituted a theft of services and could result in a citation. This I took to mean that they were threatening to send a ticket in the mail should they discover we skipped out on the "bill". Considering the woman wrote our license plate only on the envelope which she handed to us for payment, and on nothing else, I'm not sure she can ever figure out who we are. Do you really think they do that, or just threaten it in hopes people will believe it and cave in to their demands?? If they do, I'm simply going to claim we were not there for a "night" as we arrived early in the A.M. and left that campground at around 10 in the morning. She didn't even know when we got there, as she had asked. Technically 1 A.M. is morning, correct? I know its being sneaky, but I think its ridiculous to pay all these dumb fees to camp in our forests, or walk around at our natural wonders! We wanted to go see this lava cave, but they wanted you to pay $10 to go in. You paid the fee for this pass thingy that you had to carry with you and present to any forest service people who asked. We went to a couple more places that were in the woods (one was the lava tree molds, another was a volcano) and both places required passes ON TOP of buying parking at little booths. Its ridiculousness. If I want to walk in and look at a bunch of trees with old lava crusted around the bottoms in OUR national forests, I will. And I'm not paying them to do it damn it.

In any event, we DID camp in the forest (just outside of the "designated" camping area) for free, and we did at least see the lava casts, ignoring the self-pay area completely. I mean, come on, they didn't even have anything more than a crappy, poorly maintained path for you to walk on. We didn't need them for that. We could have walked out there all on our own without someone having to have poured asphalt onto the trail. We then drove all the way to the coast where I displayed more childishness by crawling around on my hands and knees and picking up seashells which are now happily clumped together in a large pepsi cup on the dashboard. We ate at a beautiful seafood restaurant in Florence built on stilts over the water. It was a bit pricey, but the cod was delicious and Adam's pizza was nothing to laugh at either. Very yummy.

We drove until it was quite late and pulled over to sleep in the truck next to a cliff overlooking the ocean. It was gorgeous. Very romantic. Speaking of romantic, Adam picked me wild flowers and brought me pretty shells the entire trip. It makes my heart flutter when he does those things, and I feel lucky to have him. Yeah, sappy I know, but I have to say it because its how I feel. I was a little crabby with him because I was under the impression we were heading to a hotel, but with money tight and a dog in tow, it probably was a better idea to sleep in the truck. Besides, a hotel wouldn't have you sleeping so incredibly close the ocean anyways. Not any we could afford. You could hear the ocean waves hitting the cliff walls as we slept. It was a good night.

I will admit that when we arrived home the absolute first thing I wanted was a hot shower, followed by a quick jump in our bed so that I could revel in its softness and warmth. I also really wanted to see Shelby and Chiyo, the two dogs we left home, pet my two horses, play with little Misty (our baby goat), and spend a little time with our two puppies (Yes, we have a ridiculous number of animals!). I even felt the urge to grab and pet our cat, thankful he wasn't a stinky zombie kitty.

Why Women Shouldn't Love The Hoff

So after yesterdays entry, I got to thinking about how much HassellHoff creeped me out, and I remember the one time he sang on America's Got Talent. I also remember the feeling I had as he got to some of the harder vocals in the song where I wanted to burn my ears shut with molten wax. Surfing around Youtube, I found that video. I also found more and more evidence of why "The Hoff" should never be loved by a woman. I know there are those who adore him, but these are more examples of why WOMEN DON'T LOVE YOU (Yes, you Hoff...except the crazy ones, and they don't count.)

Firstly, the video that displays his horrid lack of talent. Germany has labeled him as their "Top Male Vocalist". Really Germany? Really?? You couldn't do better than that???



He did not suck too bad at the beginning (surprisingly). Unfortunately for him, it didn't take long for the whole thing to get questionable, and then eventually start skidding downhill. His facial expressions and hand gestures screamed "There is a gay man struggling to break free who is trapped behind all this furry body hair!" Hoff, you can't sing beyond being somewhat entertaining at a karaoke bar. You just can't do it professionally. At least not well.

My ears screamed in pain when he hit the long notes he was struggling to hold, and the ones that went up in pitch quickly. All the parts that required flair he BOMBED on. Pierre (one of the other judges), had this super confused look on his face after he was done, as if he couldn't decide whether he should give his honest opinion or not. I think he may have been contemplating whether getting "let go" from the show was worth telling Hoff he sucked. I think he got that jab in there and was serious (about feeling as if he had just re-broken his ribs after listening to that awful yowling), but then decided it was in his best interest to call it a joke and then quickly change the subject and kiss the show's sparkly ass.

Another example of The Hoff's inabilities. This time, his inability to make a music video. Admittedly, he sounds much better in this video, but I'm going to chalk that up to this being a vocally simple song, and sound editing.



What the hell is with the skiing Eskimo??! And the weenie dogs in..um..Africa? I was unaware this was their natural habitat. I think that Hoff enlisted the help of a ten year old, and he and this child decided to team up and make this video. The wire in the flying scenes is ridiculously obvious, and the way he is made to fly is super sloppy. Really? Just.... really? Thats all I have to say for this video.

You'll have to click and actually go to this video as embedding has been disabled on it:

{Jump In My Car}- Hasselhoff

This is simply creepy. You are how old? Those girls could be your daughters. All I can think of is a perverted old man trying to seduce young women into his car so that he can do "dirty" things to them...most likely unwillingly. *shudders* And your attempt at humor? Well, its really not funny. Corny maybe, but not funny.

And to top all of that off, he is an alcoholic:



His daughter may be a bitch for taping him drunk and then pasting it all over the internet, but odds are she is lashing out in anger. An alcoholic parent is such a huge disappointment. Sure, she probably has plenty of money since her dad is the Hoff, but maybe she would have liked love and support from him, and I have a feeling he is just too busy with his own life to care. Apparently, he is also wasted half of the time as well.

And I'll finish it off with this little gem....

{Sponge Bob Rides HasselHoff}

Thanks for scaring the living hell out of thousands of small children... The ending is particularly disturbing. He just looks hugely constipated.

I could find tons and tons of ammunition against The Hoff for days. There are literally dozens of videos floating around the internet displaying his lack of skill and his douche-baggery. However, I have to stop here as I think my point has been made. Hoff, this is why no women should love you (even the crazies), and why most women Don't Love You.

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Larry's Bitch of the Day:

I have none yet! Larry is still asleep. He was out until a ridiculous hour. Its 11:00 a.m. He probably won't be up for another two hours. Last night, however, he was bitching about the dryer/washer being in use. He desperately wanted to wash his bedding, but we were using the laundry. I left for five minutes to take my fiance to work, and when I returned he had unloaded our clothes (including our wet ones), so that he could use it. It was very irritating....

Here is a short list of bitches he has daily to once a week:

1. This carpet has lots of spots! You need to rug doctor it!
2. Quit leaving the TV in the living room on, it wears out the picture tube.
3. The blackberry bushes are scratching the paint on my truck! Please kill them. I don't want to cut them every week! (They are not long enough to scratch his truck unless he drives up against them.)
4. "Hey, could you guys...." followed by something whiny and annoying.

I am NOT 5... Well, There ARE Those Days

I am about to rip my hair out. I finally came out and told my fiance's mom all of things I felt about her attitude towards our relationship in one giant facebook message. Sue me for not doing it face to face. My thoughts come out more clearly when they are written, and mailing a letter just seems so time consuming in this age of instant communication. Don't you think?

I am NOT these children:

(America's Funniest Home Videos - Dumb Kids)

Well, most days I am not. There are those mornings I wake up and trip directly over one of our fifty dogs and land flat on my face. And sometimes I just can't resist running over my fiance with my truck. That is why he no longer has any legs or arms and a faulty spleen. Oh wait, that was just a day dream. (J/K Adam, you know I love you.)
_____________________________

I have decided that I am going to make WHY WOMEN DON'T LOVE YOU a daily segment along with Larry's Daily Bitch. I've also decided that Larry's Daily Bitch will look much more pretty in fuschia. It will match up much more nicely with some of his more girlish tendencies.

WHY WOMEN DON'T LOVE YOU:
Because men should NEVER wear speedos, even if you have the most perfect body on the planet. I don't want to see your bulge, which is always ridiculously evident in a tight little speedo. You especially should not wear a speedo if you are a fat, old man with a bulging pot belly. I took this photo on a trip to Three Creeks in Sister, OR. The gorgeous scenery was destroyed by the mostly naked old man walking along the lake shore. Apparently, ONE woman loved him, but by the look on her face she was seriously contemplating an immediate divorce. If I had a child, and they were with me, I would be covering their eyes. Its legal, but that doesn't make it ethical. Yuck.

Because you are NOT as sexy as you think you are. In fact, this photo makes me want to barf in a plastic Walmart bag. Tons of body hair is not manly and will not make a woman want to jump you right then and there (contrary to the myth perpetuated by Sean Connery Bond films.) Hairy men are nasty. Guys who think they are hot, and wear speedos because they want to show off their entire "schmexy" bodies as well as highlight the little "gift" in their "package" just come off as egotistical jack-offs. Girls don't like guys who are high on themselves. Arrogance is NOT a turn on. That and your misguided beliefs that speedos are in fact sexy makes you a perfect target of point-and-laugh. I must also add that The Hoff seems like a complete douchebag, and I question his sexuality. He is a judge on America's Got Talent. I use to watch that because the crazy people entertain me. I remember them having a live show, and not being able to show any acts when coming back from commercial because Hoff had locked himself in his dressing room and was refusing to come out until Pierre (one of the other judges) apologized for hurting his fragile little feelings. That just screams needy little child. Women don't go for that. In your case, they might go for your money, but I doubt any of them would like your personality OR your looks.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I think that sums this photograph up.
A. You are posing like a CHICK. It looks like this photo should be the centerfold of a gay mag. This is not turning on any women, except maybe lonely 80 year olds who haven't gotten any for a decade or so.
B. You don't get women by trying to mix two things that you THINK they like together. You THINK you are being sexy, and you are mixing that with women's love for cute puppies. You should never mix nude men and puppies. Its beyond creepy. We DO like sexy men, but that is not you. And even if you were sexy, we don't want to see a poor little puppy laying in your crotch. Thats just strange on so many levels. I actually think it may be some form of animal cruelty.

Larry's Bitch of the Day:

This one is quite funny. We had a big thunderstorm last night, and it hailed. The hail was about the size of a marble, maybe a little bit bigger. I got pelted with quite a few as I ran back and forth outside getting the animals under shelter. Larry had no problem with the hail last night. Of course he had been drinking and he was having fun attempting to get into the pants of some girl he had brought home. This "morning" (1:30 p.m. for Larry), we get home from town and he is standing outside with his cell phone in his ear, flailing his arms around. As soon as we got out of the truck, he descended on us to lament his misfortune very loudly while gesturing emphatically. "My truck is RUINED!" he wailed. Standing in front of it, you could see small dings in the hood from the hail. They were not that big and can easily be taken care of by his insurance. Apparently, he imagines enormous dings all over the sides and the roof, though I saw none. He has been running around the house for the past hour on the phone with several people practically screaming about how he just got it detailed, how he will not accept a bondo job (he is apparently going to demand an entirely new hood), and how bad being in a hail storm will look on a car fax should he ever sell it. Oh Larry, how you amuse me so.

Why California is Only Hurting Our Country

(And more WHY WOMEN DON'T LOVE YOU videos.)

I give you exhibit A:



Apparently, we can fix the economy by growing "stuff". You know, because "we need the food because its food and stuff." Gee, why didn't I think of that?! GENIUS! Go back to your job as a pole dancer. Or a as a hooker who caters to men with fetishes for women with massively large breasts, lumber-jack sized shoulders and itty bitty heads (I'm speaking from a physical standpoint here, but as evidenced in this speech, her brain size is relative.)

Perhaps if we cut California from our country and shoved it out to sea, our economy would pick up and a good deal of our problems would be solved? I'm just joking. Obviously, not everyone in Cali is stupid, and there are plenty of morons in other states. California is just large, therefore has double the room for people like this. My advice to better your reputation California? Keep your village idiots under lock and key. Or just give them some more colorful magazines to read to keep them occupied and away from public view.

Moving on, who is excited about Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland? Take a gander at some official photographs:


Johnny Depp looks so insane he might stab you in the skull and suck your brains through a straw without any notice. This is what Carrot Top would resemble should he ever turn into a flesh-eating zombie with zero fashion sense (Oh wait, Carrot Top is already lacking that skill.) Are some of those things on his hat little spears? Or perhaps poison darts? I'm voting poison darts. Everyone knows the best tasting tea is made from the livers of small, poisoned orphans.

Helena Bonham Carter has always been somewhat scary looking to me, but her make-up in this photo makes me want to hide between my mattresses. I sincerely hope that there is a bit of photo manipulation going on here to make her head so freakishly huge. She does, however, make a stunning rendition of the Queen of Hearts. Very intimidating, as is the story-book character.

Anne Hathaway is, as ever, beautiful and the least bizarre looking although she has that bloodless vampire appearance going on. All in all, it gives me the feeling that this will be your typical Tim Burton movie. Something with a twist and a bit of a dark (maybe even psychotic) touch. But then I've always loved Tim Burton films (except for Corpse Bride and Willy Wonka...dropped the ball a bit there I think.)


Beyond that, I have no Larry's Bitch of the Day as he has been pretty quiet (except for his continued insistence our dog is peeing in front of his bedroom door. I've never smelled such unscented dog pee before!) Perhaps our dog has a genetic anomaly that makes his pee smell plain. In that case, we should clone him and breed him and make thousands of little dogs with odor free pee. That would be a hit for people who keep dogs in their homes! *rolls eyes*

It has been ridiculously hot here, and we haven't done a THING lately! I did play DDR last evening after 7 p.m. for about an hour and a half straight. What a work out. I'm concerned that one of these days the cops will come knocking when the neighbors (the only neighbors in miles) call to complain about the fact that I pump DDR out on my giant amp.

Yet another example of WHY WOMEN DON'T LOVE YOU:



I could find videos of men failing in the romance department all day. This Aicha video is a classic, and is quite old...but never fails to amuse. There are several reasons women don't love you dude.

1. You are a pencil thin nerd just SWIMMING in those baggy clothes. Wear something that fits. Make an effort. That hair is not an honest effort. Learn how to style it from someone who knows what they are doing. You don't just stick gel on your fingers and then slap it in your hair. It looks like you stuck your finger in an electric socket.

2. You are laying on a bed covered in Mickey Mouse. Scratch that, MINNEY Mouse and you have a stack of cute little stuffed animals in the corner. This screams five years old or gay. Actually it screams five years old AND gay, or at least destined to be.

3. You can not sing or dance. All NSync or Backstreet Boys type moves are gay, and what is with the foo-foo cute doggy poster on your door? This entire thing screams corny, gay, and dorky. If you can't realize that, you need a reality check straight into a brick wall. Remember to wear a helmet. :)