Why Women Shouldn't Love The Hoff

So after yesterdays entry, I got to thinking about how much HassellHoff creeped me out, and I remember the one time he sang on America's Got Talent. I also remember the feeling I had as he got to some of the harder vocals in the song where I wanted to burn my ears shut with molten wax. Surfing around Youtube, I found that video. I also found more and more evidence of why "The Hoff" should never be loved by a woman. I know there are those who adore him, but these are more examples of why WOMEN DON'T LOVE YOU (Yes, you Hoff...except the crazy ones, and they don't count.)

Firstly, the video that displays his horrid lack of talent. Germany has labeled him as their "Top Male Vocalist". Really Germany? Really?? You couldn't do better than that???



He did not suck too bad at the beginning (surprisingly). Unfortunately for him, it didn't take long for the whole thing to get questionable, and then eventually start skidding downhill. His facial expressions and hand gestures screamed "There is a gay man struggling to break free who is trapped behind all this furry body hair!" Hoff, you can't sing beyond being somewhat entertaining at a karaoke bar. You just can't do it professionally. At least not well.

My ears screamed in pain when he hit the long notes he was struggling to hold, and the ones that went up in pitch quickly. All the parts that required flair he BOMBED on. Pierre (one of the other judges), had this super confused look on his face after he was done, as if he couldn't decide whether he should give his honest opinion or not. I think he may have been contemplating whether getting "let go" from the show was worth telling Hoff he sucked. I think he got that jab in there and was serious (about feeling as if he had just re-broken his ribs after listening to that awful yowling), but then decided it was in his best interest to call it a joke and then quickly change the subject and kiss the show's sparkly ass.

Another example of The Hoff's inabilities. This time, his inability to make a music video. Admittedly, he sounds much better in this video, but I'm going to chalk that up to this being a vocally simple song, and sound editing.



What the hell is with the skiing Eskimo??! And the weenie dogs in..um..Africa? I was unaware this was their natural habitat. I think that Hoff enlisted the help of a ten year old, and he and this child decided to team up and make this video. The wire in the flying scenes is ridiculously obvious, and the way he is made to fly is super sloppy. Really? Just.... really? Thats all I have to say for this video.

You'll have to click and actually go to this video as embedding has been disabled on it:

{Jump In My Car}- Hasselhoff

This is simply creepy. You are how old? Those girls could be your daughters. All I can think of is a perverted old man trying to seduce young women into his car so that he can do "dirty" things to them...most likely unwillingly. *shudders* And your attempt at humor? Well, its really not funny. Corny maybe, but not funny.

And to top all of that off, he is an alcoholic:



His daughter may be a bitch for taping him drunk and then pasting it all over the internet, but odds are she is lashing out in anger. An alcoholic parent is such a huge disappointment. Sure, she probably has plenty of money since her dad is the Hoff, but maybe she would have liked love and support from him, and I have a feeling he is just too busy with his own life to care. Apparently, he is also wasted half of the time as well.

And I'll finish it off with this little gem....

{Sponge Bob Rides HasselHoff}

Thanks for scaring the living hell out of thousands of small children... The ending is particularly disturbing. He just looks hugely constipated.

I could find tons and tons of ammunition against The Hoff for days. There are literally dozens of videos floating around the internet displaying his lack of skill and his douche-baggery. However, I have to stop here as I think my point has been made. Hoff, this is why no women should love you (even the crazies), and why most women Don't Love You.

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Larry's Bitch of the Day:

I have none yet! Larry is still asleep. He was out until a ridiculous hour. Its 11:00 a.m. He probably won't be up for another two hours. Last night, however, he was bitching about the dryer/washer being in use. He desperately wanted to wash his bedding, but we were using the laundry. I left for five minutes to take my fiance to work, and when I returned he had unloaded our clothes (including our wet ones), so that he could use it. It was very irritating....

Here is a short list of bitches he has daily to once a week:

1. This carpet has lots of spots! You need to rug doctor it!
2. Quit leaving the TV in the living room on, it wears out the picture tube.
3. The blackberry bushes are scratching the paint on my truck! Please kill them. I don't want to cut them every week! (They are not long enough to scratch his truck unless he drives up against them.)
4. "Hey, could you guys...." followed by something whiny and annoying.